Ex-Premie.Org |
Forum II Archive # 3 | |
From: Dec 31, 1997 |
To: Jan 20, 1998 |
Page: 2 Of: 5 |
MAHARAJI & GURUS: CONSIDERATIONS
Firstly, I propose that it is conceivable that anyone can have a valid inner experience without the agency of Maharaji provided that they have some instruction in the same techniques. Whether people would value it enough to practice it regularly without encouragement, is another question. Its appeal is undoubtedly tied up with the way it is presented (in this case by Maharaji.) That is not to suggest that some other charismatic teacher could not make it as an appealing prospect as MJ. Perhaps they could inspire their pupils to practice Meditation regularly, without all the Guru worship and trappings.
Many people 'received Knowledge' in the Sixties and Seventies at a time when they were young, sincere, and highly vulnerable to interpreting their experiences in the manner and language prevalent at that time. That is to say that they allowed themselves to believe in Maharaji's hierarchical set up all too gullibily and thus became simple prey to the elaborate suggestions about him. They find themselves now, many years later, burdened with beliefs and concepts about their experiences. For example, many believe that their current inner experiences were only made possible by virtue of their distant past Initiation. They will never actually know for certain whether they could have achieved the same inner peace etc. just by practising the meditation.The association is forever made with Maharaji, although he probably was not even present at their initiation. (The vast majority of 'aspirants' were carefully selected and initiated by 'Instructors' who were supposed to be empowered to transmit Maharajis benediction or 'Grace' )
I know now of many such initiated people who meditate occasionally but who currently think that Maharajis methods and actions are so unscrupulous that they have decided not to go to see him anymore or support him financially. They doubt his authenticity. They still have inner experiences though. Are these experiences supposed to be invalid because they no longer believe that it is necessary or appropriate to follow and credit Maharaji as the only source of such experiences?
Maharaji does not necessarily have exclusive distribution rights for 'Knowledge'. He is possibly deluded and deluding others in this and other respects.
In due course the techniques such as those "revealed" by Maharaji may well be more common knowledge. The secrecy and 'sole distribution' phenomena may then disappear. People would make their own minds up about the value of the experience without being influenced by all the prerequisite (and highly suggestive) rhetoric.
Maharaji seems to spend a large amount of time stating or implying that premies ought to be extraordinarily grateful to 'Maharaji' for saving them.
Surely it is excessively suggestive to say this. Gratitude comes naturally, like respect, when it is earned, not when it is suggested or demanded. He appears to believe (or know) that he alone has an unique relationship with the Creator that others are denied.
He speaks about 'Maharaji' in his addresses as if it/he were someone else. The obvious contextual implication is that 'Maharaji' is a pseudonym for 'God'. He is unwilling to replace the word 'Maharaji' with 'I' or 'me' possibly because it would sound too grandiose. A lot of what he says is conveniently ambiguous. He will talk of Maharaji as being the omnipotent "Perfect Master of the time" but is very shy to say "I am he" so to speak. However he is clearly delighted to be 'recognised' as such by others.
Consider the possibility that Maharaji is wrong about the relevance of Knowledge. Maybe the 'certainty' one experiences in meditation is illusionary. A premature assumption. Or that there is a deeper revelation of "Knowledge" that awaiting us in Infinity. The fact is : We do not know.
Obviously it feels good to meditate...to empty ones mind. But the danger is that, when so blissfully distracted, one is extraordinarily vulnerable to the suggestions that are made to you about your experience and 'how you got it' whether it be from Maharaji or any other teacher of similar 'Shabd Yoga' (light and sound techniques.)
The following points are actually very open to interpretation and hence, to suggestion :
What it is.
(Supposedly direct communion with Truth, Consciousness and Bliss. Actually there are a variety of interpretations of "what it is" as demonstrated by the fact that people who have had it, describe it in highly personalised different ways. Essentially it is an experience potentially accessible to all individuals but arguably not through the agency of any particular individual who has a vested interest in being a distributor, exclusive or otherwise.)
Where it comes from.
(Supposedly from a single living Perfect Master- A concept hungrily accepted by people eager to embrace the notion of the re-appearance of someone resembling the beloved figurehead of the religion of their upbringing)
Knowledge....Who gives it to the aspirant ?
The Master bestows Knowledge to his pupils (not the instructor) by the mysterious means of His Grace and he can do it from a distance. When the Master grants the chosen aspirant access to his or her inner experience it is understood to be an extraordinary privilege. When the aspirant receives initiation from the Master in person, the association with the latter is most easily made.
This particular Master, it seems, uniquely understands the criteria by which a human being may be judged as worthy to be revealed the knowledge of the essence of his or her life and soul.
In the period leading up to initiation, as well as being offered much encouragement, the aspirant is confronted by his or her fundamental insecurity, unworthiness and ignorance about life . The possibility of rejection is felt and he or she sometimes becomes mentally and emotionally disoriented. When acceptance is finally given (usually for no stated reason other than that it is by the mercy of the Master) the aspirant has hopefully let go of most of his or her doubts and is now humbly and happily accepting whatever comes next.
The aspirant feels utterly dependant on the decision of this one man, the Master or SatGuru. The prospect that one man holds the key to his or her life is both intimidating and alluring.
The Master clearly defines the steps to be taken to (even slightly) qualify for being accepted as his pupil. It is time for serious commitment to be made, and there is never enough time to consider it fully.
The aspirant remembers. I do not deserve the blessing that is going (possibly) to be bestowed. I am particularly fortunate to be here. I must not blow it!The aspirant surrenders to the 'benign autocracy' of the Master. The pupil must trust the Master in order to proceed.
It is not easy at this stage (contrary to what was initially said) for the aspirant to walk away even if he or she wants to . If the instructions of the Master are rejected he or she may feel that they ally themselves to the feared, and to some extent experienced, force of the 'Mind'.
This 'Mind' is the enemy of the Heart and warning has been given against it's distracting powers.
The aspirant naturally chooses to follow closely the instructions of the 'Saviour of his or her Heart' with hope, trust, reverence and awe. 'Love' and 'Need' are mixed with 'Fear' and 'Dependency'
To question and reject the proposed spiritual dependency on the Master is to risk 'missing a lifetime opportunity'.
The aspirant experiences an intense confrontation with his or her insecurity about life. It is a confrontation which brings an actual sense of undergoing ego-death. This is interpreted as a sign of healthy spiritually progress.
The aspirant wants to be accepted by the Superior Power and begins, more and more, to 'Experience' the Master as the merciful and Divine Authority (incarnated in impressively gentle-but sometimes tough- human form) who gives (or shows in the perfect mirror that is Him) the completely undeserved but ultimate reflection of a devotees true self.
The aspirant is, by now, acutely aware of his or her insignificance and is putty in the Master's hands. Everything that the Master says or does appear to the aspirant as so many 'little drops of mercy'.
It is compelling to see the process through, rejecting any misgivings as temptation from the Mind. Whatsmore the aspirant already seems to be experiencing the presence of the Superior Power. 'Judgement Day' has already become a kind of living and present reality . He or she ignores their distracting Mind, which has been reacting quite badly to all this . (Trying to tell them not to buy into the whole trip without more consideration )
Is it really The 'Superior Power' that confronts the aspirant, or is it merely a superior power ? In which case is it to be perfectly trusted ?
What you owe the person who told you about it.
Maharajis charges certainly were and still are to some extent, that you suspend your doubts and practice meditation and devotion to him and that you never tell anyone how you practice the experience and that you go and see him whenever you can.
Maharaji often cites to his followers, quotations of "ideal" devotees who feel forever indebted and grateful to to their Master. (The ever-present collection of subservient Instructors etc. who populate the front row seats, provide an example as do the quotes from Tulsidas and Kabir etc.) The suggestion is that the Master (he himself) is indispensable to those who have understood who he really is, and that one should aspire to such gratitude oneself. If one doesn't feel this gratitude one gets the distinct feeling that one doesn't exactly measure up as a devotee. He emphasises the point until there is the danger that one can be intimidated into feeling that he or she lacks gratitude whether or not one has had any experience to feel commensurately grateful for. All this is met with apparent reverence and general accord by all those present. This obviously creates a persuasive atmosphere which can somewhat overwhelm ones defences against intimidating assertions.
The suggestion that one should suspend ones doubts (and the compounding relief that one experiences when one finally does ) impresses the listener that he or she is having a "peaceful inner experience" or "a revelatory spiritual voyage" through the agency of Maharaji..Occasionally one is actually so bored by the insubstantiality of the rhetoric that one abandons listening to the words and, in the ensuing void, finds oneself strangely free of inhibitions and light headed. This is possibly falsely interpreted as a transcendental experience of love and peace. Drugs such as Ecstacy (which effect the brain by increasing levels of Seratonin ) produce a strikingly similar effect, as do disorienting, traumatic life events, such as time in hospital, or the death of a loved one.
One suspends ones mind in the so-called 'cleansing flow of Satsang' (Maharajis addresses) only to risk having it filled with suggestions that reinforce acceptance of Maharaji's setup of the Master and pupil relationship and his particular recipe for spiritual growth.
Society provides no guidelines when it comes to trying to navigate the psychological and spiritual turmoil that one enters when falling under the influence of such Masters. In the future, Maharaji (and indeed many other Gurus) may be made to account to society for the ways that they exercised the powers that they have gained over others. Obviously this would be a fate shared with many of the so-called Enlightened Ones whose followers have allowed them to go too far in exercising their temporary license for megalomania.
It is well known that Maharaji leads a typically western lifestyle, 'warts and all'. In other words he suffers from the same marriage problems,depressions, desires, capacity for making mistakes etc. as do most people. At least he would appear to.
If Maharaji is privately such a different man than the Guru that impresses himself upon his followers, then there seems to be cause to reconsider his integrity. This inevitably involves his private life at some stage.
Maharaji shares with the likes of film stars the inescapable consequences of being famous. That is to say that his private life inevitably becomes of interest to his admirers.
Those who court popularity on such a large scale often forget that they cannot restrict the interest of their audiences to the areas that suit them. Inevitably their admirers want to see how their idols live off stage.
In the case of premies, they naturally expect to find in Maharajis private life, an abundance of examples of his Divine Play and a living source of parables from which to draw further inspiration.What they may not expect to find, if rumours are to be believed, is the sight of a Satguru who, being separated (albeit temporarily) from the dynamic of the love of his devotees in between "Events" is prone to washing away his sorrows with the bottle.
It has been recently rumoured that Maharaji has become, quote.. "an alcoholic, autocratic, philanderer".
There are few premies who have not heard and mutely accepted, via the grapevine, that Maharaji is indeed not immune to the pitfalls of overwork nor does his 'Mastership' exempt him from suffering the same sort of everyday problems as most other human beings . Does this cast doubt on his authenticity as a bona fide Spiritual Master? Possibly not in itself.
Even if ones Guru frequently drinks too much or has extra-marital affairs or whatever, is this reason to mistrust his teachings? Of course, Krishna was not charged with abusing his power when he cavorted with numerous Gopis.
Even if this sort of conduct were deemed as acceptably integral to Perfect Mastership then it still seems rather mean to prescribe a lifetime of celibacy and teetotalism to ones followers.( As Maharaji did in the case of Ashram premies.) and then to secretly live the kind of lifestyle that would not be out of place in a Jackie Collins novel.
There abound some pretty outrageous allegations about Maharajis lifestyle. Obviously they may be malicious lies, but there is no smoke without fire.
Unfortunately, zealots routinely sanction their Masters hypocrisies with the assumption that the latter is beyond delusion or the corruption of power. All too often they are proved wrong and then they have to face the difficult prospect of accepting that they were duped.
Maharaji has always been wary of the Premie Grapevine, possibly he has reason to be.
He has clearly discouraged dissent and tolerated sycophants to the point where it appears that it may backfire on him. He allegedly sometimes feels lonely, sitting on the pinnacle of his society of necessarily subservient premies. His constant insistence on their exclusive dependency on him, has kept them in a state of compliant Arrested Development.
In private he apparently likes to down a few Scotches and exchange bawdy jokes with a distinctly less fawning company. There are few who he chooses to 'hang out with' so loosely. But he obviously does feel the need to take a break from being the all powerful, awe inspiring Lord, and to chill out over a few drinks occasionally. Why not?
Obviously a select inner circle of premies, family and friends, silently and unquestioningly accept his behaviour. Few of them wish to go down in history for being be a Judas in his court. Quite the opposite, they protect him loyally and feel highly privileged to be a part of the exclusive few who see him in private. Some are probably terrified for their souls to risk getting in his bad books.
Obviously the experience of immersing oneself in total devotional love for Maharaji is sometimes accompanied by fear of the prospect of being away from it, or rejected by it / Him.
Maharaji is also protected from general criticism, to some degree, by confining his public appearances to the sympathetic alternate society that he has created.
Those who suspend judgement and follow a Guru with wishful thinking and surrender, run the risk of being disillusioned at a later date. ie: when it is too late. They risk devoting a valuable part of their lives to supporting, and following the advice of a man who later turns out to have been himself deluded.
There are many historical examples of people whose trusting judgements about leaders turn out to be quite wrong, and in the end they are left disillusioned and in a state of hurt. Recovery from such involvement can be long an painful.
Premies often have little or a wrong idea of the way that their Master conducts his life away from the context of his 'Events'. Illogically, they maintain that criticism of him personally is irrelevant by virtue of the overriding efficacy of his gift of Knowledge etc. Premies, told of controversial aspects of his personal conduct/ private life etc. will usually dispute them outright. They will not feel the need to investigate the truth of the matter. They will dismiss the rumours that don't ring true to them and embrace and proclaim the ones that suit them. Maharaji as Spiritual Master can behave absolutely as he likes in a worldly way and will always retain the respect and devotion of his devotees.
There is a limit to how far this generous attitude will stretch to any but the most die-hard .
A Master is certainly not going to endear himself to those who are "Hungry for Truth" if they discover that he exercises his power over his followers for self gain., and certainly not if for the satisfaction of of his sexual appetite etc.
Indian Gurus have historically persuaded others to adopt their particular way to enlightenment, always via them and often, not without a considerable amount of self gain as a result. These self -proclaimed Masters are numerous in India and indeed now, in the West.
By fair means or foul they continue to get people to associate their good inner experiences with them personally. They are the Master. Their mastership is, in effect, their business.Unrealistically there are many who proclaim to be the One. It remains for the individual to discern the Truth of the matter. A daunting task.
Because inner experiences, such as those accessed in Meditation, universally 'feel good', it is not difficult for a Guru to persuade people to associate "goodness" with him personally when he instructs them in such practices.
Many Gurus from the Rhadasoami tradition (from which Maharaji comes) have 'used the inner experiences of their followers to their social advantage'. They appear however (particularly to wishful thinking westerners) to be quite innocent in their power play, not withstanding their huge captive audiences and the wealth of Hindu stories from which they draw examples to back up their claims and impress their largely unsophisticated and impressionable audiences.
Arguably what the poor of the world most need today is better education and better living standards, not more religious indoctrination. Maharaji and those like him may give these people what they think they need and will readily consume, i e: spiritual trips. To reinforce their Hindu concepts is possibly a rather unhealthy retrograde step. Eventually, real understanding, through broad education, will hopefully free these people from slavishly adopting particular separative religious paths.
If Maharaji won't make any attempt to personally soothe the troubled brows of those followers who feel hurt or confused by him and/or his organisation, then what can he expect other than to come under fire (in forums such as the ex-cult newsgroup, this website etc) from those who want to vent their frustrations and recover their integrity? It seems only a matter of time until Maharaji will be pressed publically to explain himself, more than he currently does, to aspirants who have been alerted, by growing global communications media, to the hidden psychological abuses that he stands accused of. But then, as SatGuru, he may not feel that he has to account to anyone.
Less objectively inclined followers of Maharaji are obviously chronically incapable of, or unwilling to put themselves sympathetically in the shoes of disenchanted people. However there are undeniably those who have indeed suffered considerable mental turmoil following Maharaji and it is obviously appropriate that they should speak of the difficulties they have encountered, without chastisement.
Moreover If a teacher is all sweetness and light until controversies are raised about him (and then he avoids the issues by silence) then he may well have something to hide.
The spirit of questioning the authenticity of a Guru is no less sincere than the desire to embrace one's Creator through his teachings. Surely Maharaji, who makes the ultimately grandiose claim, should be scrutinised all the more rigorously before one hands over to him the reins of ones life as he once prescribed. Conversely Maharajis way inevitably demands a moment where one must abandon doubt and proceed with somewhat blind trust.
When one approaches Maharaji, no matter how sweet and seductive the introduction
may be, one is soon confronted with the uncompromising reality of his claim
to Divine Authority. This can be reassuring and terrifying. To accept him
and his path inevitably means that ones commitment must be also uncompromising,
and one must either 'shape up or ship out' as he once put it. What remains
unacceptable to me personally is the fact that I have experienced fear to
be a part of the process and that this is not consistent with my 'idea'
or 'hope' that God is an ultimately loving power with gentle means of obtaining
my devotion. Frankly I am afraid that it could be a very powerful con and
I am not ready to commit myself until I feel comfortable, or at least healed
from the subjugation that I have felt when in his influence.
Back To Index -:- Top of Index
My best ever experience of the knowledge was when I was far away from ashrams, premies, satsang or "video events" as I believe they're now called. I was working in a hotel by the seaside and had long periods just sitting around waiting for someone to order tea and sandwiches and would sit in my little porters room, spacing out into the word. I got deeper and deeper into it as the days went on and was amazed by the sheer pleasure of it.
Eventually I left my seaside haven and moved back to London and started attending satsang again to be told how I had to devote my life to Maharaji and live in an ashram.
In the years I lived in the ashram I found it more and more difficult to meditate, with the heavy work load, lack of sleep and constant badgering from other premies. After two years I left the ashram, a total wreck and to this day, I've never had the same depth or duration of meditation as I'd had in my seaside haven.
This left me with a question. If Maharaji was the Lord then why did he persuade me to go and live in an ashram and therefore lose my experience of the knowledge?
As a teenager I was very affected by all this 'join the Ashram' pressure. I was certainly very intimidated on numerous occasions of 'heavy Satsangs' often from Maharaji himself, mainly in closed 'Ashram premies only' meetings.
I'm an ex-English ex-premie and I experienced living in a WPC ashram in the early days. The low spot of my life, for sure. I've posted longish post inviting discussion among ex-premies under the title "MAHARAJI, a way to avoid feelings and facts."
I had lots of good times too, but as I mention in my post, there is a sort of sweet insidiousness about the whole thing that bothers me. It was a cult, it was mind-control, Maharaji was (is?) clearly a manipulator. I know lots of inner circle people, including a close friend who lived with him for many years and was devastated by his abuse and is just recovering after 12 years away from him.
A man walked into a bar with a pile of dog shit in his hand and said
"look what I almost stepped in." It seems to apply to the individuals
who thrive on negativity about Maharaji.I don't understand the negativity.I
received knowledge in 1971. It was free. At that time many people chose
to"give up their material things" and move into an Ashram. I
didn't want to, and didn't."
- X
Okay, so you were a greased pig. Lucky you. Some of us, on the other hand, trusted Maharaji about as much as he wanted. He said 'jump', we asked how high. He said move into the ashram, we did. We trusted him b/c he asked us to and we were told by EVERYONE -- from the top down -- that he was the Lord. You clung to the edge of the bowl, but it was still a toilet.
I left when I got ripped apart internally, which threatened my health on many levels. It was when MJ reinstated the ashrams which I had gladly escaped after 6 years, and clearly implied that complete devotion (meaning enlightenment, making it, etc.) depended on moving back into the shram. I was happily married and finally getting some rest after the frantic pace of ashram life and day and night service, satsang and meditation I had been in for 6 years. I attended some of the inner circle meetings with MJ in the years from 77-83, and I heard him yell and threaten and belittle anything less than total, total, dedication. He told friends of mine who were instructors that they "should never think one sexual thought, or they would be cast out," and that the ideal was to be burned up like a match, that their needs didn't matter, etc. etc.
Since we were a rich couple, it was tacitly implied that we were okay being married (the pipeline would have dried up if we moved back into the ashram) but at the same time, we would never be able to do the "real" thing, which was to be an initiator and really devoted, etc. Anyway, all this tore me apart inside. Having entered the cult at age 19, I was, by age 30, a seriously confused wreck.
I found myself praying to the one true God from the bottom of my heart to make sense of what had befallen me. I was taking a breather in between a seemingly endless barrage of Maharaji films at an all weekend Ashram Premie Satsang meeting. I could physically feel "Holy Name" or "Practice technique No.3" (as it is now called) pumping through my body. But it actually was of no comfort. I remembered the innocence of my childhood., my aspirations to serve the True God, my sincerity and the bliss and lightness of my world at that time. Now it was all heavy. Heavy indoctrination. Yes, maybe an inner world of peaceful meditation sometimes, but somehow not quite reality, not enough.
The peaceful moments were somehow undermined by the Heaviness, the relentlessness of Maharaji demanding my respect and commitment.The severity of his ashram regime at that time. The pummelling down of my world and the inescapable monotone pleasurelessness of this new world, like the cave to which the Pied Piper led the enchanted children and in which he subsequently entombed them forever. I remained out of a sense of hope and loyalty until the bitter end.
Sure I promised certain things to Maharaji. I promised to never leave the ashram either. We all did. All of us in the 'shram took that vow. We became renunciates for the Lord. It wasn't supposed to be a temporary thing. So what? He changes the cosmic rules of the game? Those promises mean nothing? I don't know. I'd like to hear Maharaji really deal with that one. How is it he could make such a big deal about our ashram commitment, only to close the party a few years later?
I don't care about some makeshift premie's answer to this question. Truth is, none of us know. Only Maharaji and, as we see, he ain't talking. Not yet, in any event.
The fact is there was pressure on every single, unencumbered premie who who wanted to REALLY follow Maharaji to give it all up and move into the ashram. Maharaji himself gave a lot of satsang about how bad it was to sit on the sidelines. Add to him all the mahatmas who went so far as to break up married couples if they thought they could. Not always, not everywhere but often enough.
To truly understand the pressure though you had to experience what it was like to try to LEAVE the ashram. Maharaji himself set the tone with his 'closed' ashram satsangs. Like the one he gave at Kissimee in 1979 or 80. Heavy shit. Much like the 'secret' initiator satsang he gave in those days (ever see the initiator's "confidential" manual with its complete hellfire-and-damnation-if-you-ever-get-into-your-mind trip? I'm not lying. Ask around if you don't believe me). Leaving the ashram was so tough then that premies who did split went through incredible turmoil more often than not. Maybe you didn't have this experience. Maybe, quite frankly, you just never trusted Maharaji enough to really follow him as he wanted.
My last word on the ashram is this: Maharaji did indeed talk out of both sides of his mouth. I perfectly remember all the time he said you don't have to do this, don't have to do that, that Knowledge wasn't a religion, etc. etc. Tell me then why he tried to scare the hell out of anyone trying to leave the ashram then? Fact is, he gave a simple, non-threatening line to people who could only handle that level of involvement. For those who really had the bug, however, his vice clamped down much harder. Don't forget: this was supposedly a path of complete surrender. We surrendered the reigns of our life to him, no? Surrendered our minds and promised to never doubt or question, well, more specifically to leave no room for doubt. Please don't minimise the historical record. This was a VERY consuming trip for those who trusted him. That's all it took, trust in Maharaji. And why not? He was, after all, the Lord.
"Or about how NOW is the time to give up all and move into the ashrams as soon it WILL BE TOO LATE to do any service for him, that time is now!?
I answered his siren call as best I could. WE weren't to train for any careers b/c a) that's the ego's terrain and b) Maharaji was going to so quickly overrun the current world order as we knew it the only real effort worth expending was just telling people he'd arrived. I wasted about eight years doing that. As far as "soon too late" well, he does seem to have backed off his mission a bit. It's not quite the same is it? (Again, please check out my other post to tane).
I haven't suffered from Mr. Ji myself (apart from watching a video out of politeness at the home of one of his adorers in London, which was quite pointless and very boring - just like a Methodist sermon), but my wife and her brother suffered for several years. Her brother joined an 'ashram' in Johannesburg, his father lent to house to the Ji organisation, when they were closed down, they arranged to sell it and pocketed the cash. Her brother learned no useful skills as a result and lives a pretty pathetic existence now supported by his mother.
It seems that us premies who gave our lives to MJ in the ashram are the only ones who are charged up with a real sense of injustice enough to speak out about it.
So I stared intently at Maharaji's picture, asking him the question: 'Can I really trust you?' I put everything I had into that question, and I really wanted a positive answer.
Suddenly there was a sharp 'crack' which startled the audience. The glass covering Maharaji's portrait had split from top to bottom. What did I make of it? I completely ignored the sign I had asked for and went on to waste three years living the ashram life.
When I believed in Maharaji I still wanted to leave the ashram sometimes. Know why I didn't? Because, in my faith, I believed that Maharaji, being omnipresent, was actually there with me even as I had those thoughts and that I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I remember feeling that maybe he was hurt by those premies who did take back their bodies which was kind of how I saw it all. I lived to merge with him, to surrender "jim" and be just a pure devotee. Then, as time went by further and I started feeling more comfortable with my thoughts and feelings again, I started slowly seizing back a bit of my own mental space. I kept a part of me quite selfishly. I reinstated a bit of Jim's private mentality. As I did I started feeling more and more at home with myself again. Lance, do you know what it was like to BE an intense ashramie? We were supposed to want no identity of our own, we were lambs offering ourselves up for slaughter, the sooner the better. Did you ever feel that way? Do you now? How about the premie sitting next to you at the next program, the one who's only heard Maharaji's 'lite' satsang and knows nothing of his earlier apocalyptic, messianic all-or-nothing years?
I dunno.......are there words for the kind of disgust this engenders?
Cheers, nonetheless
I personally find it shocking that you feel Maharaji owes you something for your years of "whatever you did" in the ashram. Or it could be that you are just pursuing a bit of ambulance chasing. I hope that you had at least a few memorable experiences....
Look, you say you've been following this discussion and, for your sake,I hope you're exaggerating. I hope you've just recently tuned in and haven't had a lot of time to give it all much thought before you spoke.Do you know what the ashrams were? Were you really around then? Do you know what moving into an ashram was about and why people did it? Did YOU? I'll tell you in a nutshell.
The ashram was the place you went if you were serious about following Maharaji. It was the place you went to truly surrender your mind for which, as he frankly explained, the Knowledge was like poison. The ashram was Maharaji's trip, 1 million per cent.He wanted to suck as many of us as he could into it and, when people wanted to leave, he gave us threatening satsang as to the consequences.Don't believe me? Ask him for a transcript of some of the "ashram"satsangs he gave in the late '70's before he realised it was hopeless,people were going to leave no matter how much he tried to scare them, so better get with the program and pretend that closing the 'shrams was his idea.
So, what'd we do in the ashram? NOTHING! That was the whole point! If we spun our wheels there forever, dusting the kitchen like some archetypal humble Indian premie, we might have been on the right track.No careers (ego), no relationships (what do you think?), no nothing.Just slavish dedication to one goal: surrendering further and further to Maharaji. See, the reason I mentioned the letter we got from him is that he made it very clear that if we were serious about following him and "realising" the Knowledge, we couldn't trust ourselves? How could we? The "higher" we'd get, the more desperate and hence tricker the mind would get. Don't you know what I'm talking about? Don't you recall the whole question of who had truly surrendered the reigns of their life and who had tried to get them back? Maybe you weren't there,maybe you were. But one thing I'm telling you -- I'm telling you the truth. Plain, simple truth. The path was one of complete devotion.There was no other path, all the rest was the mind and thus bullshit.
Why did we love the mahatmas so much? Because they were supposedly where we wanted to go? Absolute devotion, the ultimate bond with the Lord. Maharaji used to inspire us with the story of the "good" premie who served his Maharaji so selflessly that, when his life was finally exhausted like a burnt match, could honestly say that he barely recalled living that little life at all. The point was that it wasn't the devotee's life to begin with. It was Maharaji's all along and now, by surrendering the life back to Maharaji, the devotee had given the only gift the lowly mortal could ever return to his Lord. That's what the ashram was.
'I hope that you had at least a few memorable experiences.'
So, yes friend, I had a lot of 'memorable moments' including one of my best friends in the ashram hanging himself because he felt that his mind was too full of doubt [see commandments above] to ever love Maharaji properly. Okay, there was a lot of 'fun' too. I sang, played guitar,was very social in a way, loved to give satsang, etc. On the good ship Maharaji, we all enjoyed ourselves to some extent. But there was only one reason we were there and not living our own lives however which way we might: he promised he was taking us somewhere. It was all premised on that. So what of it? Did he change his mind?
Before you start calling ME an asshole consider what I'm reacting to. I'm disgusted, make that DISGUSTED, with premies who feel it's their service to Maharaji to protect him at all costs even if it means twisting the truth as necessary. I lived in the ashram for eight years of my life man! That's no small amount of time to be completely dependent on a guru's vision only to have him years later deny he ever said all that funnelled me into his little fun house to begin with. Who the fuck are you to smirk away that reality?
Care to speculate on how many couples Maharaji broke up? How many people he pressured to give up their vain, ego loves and just serve him? We're talking families with kids too sometimes. Oh, I know, he'd say one thing sometimes and sometimes the opposite. Sometimes he WOULD say that raising a family could be service, but the implication was that it was service only if you couldn't get out of it somehow. He sure didn't encourage unencumbered premies to hook up with each other and ESPECIALLY hated it when ashram premies did the human thing.
There are those who received Knowledge before Maharaji stopped having Ashrams etc. They did not 'surrender the reigns of their lives' in the manner proposed as the 'ideal' by Maharaji at the time. Instead they "fitted Knowledge into their lives" as he put it , meditating occasionally, not making a total sacrifice, turning up occasionally for inspiration, to see their friends etc. They may have had family responsibilities etc. This would have been reason enough to avoid having to seriously consider becoming an Ashram Premie, which was stated clearly by Maharaji as being the path for the truly committed.
These 'undisillusioned' premies form the' hard core' of premies today as I see it. They have few doubts about Maharaji as they have never been disillusioned as a result of making a huge sacrifice only to find that the Ashrams were closed and they were left high and dry, on the street again. Their individual commitment was not so full time. They feel no loss.They don't need to undergo any further soul searching as the lifestyle suits them socially and they are along with many others, happy with things as they are.
Maharaji, on his very own with no family to blame, revived all the religious bullshit for a few years in the late '70's. How do you explain that? He went for truth, then scrambled to deceive again, then back to truth? We were already well on the road to where things are now in 1976 before Maharaji himself scared us all into what I have call the really sick, pathetic religiosity of 1977 through '80, 81. All the marathon 'woe-is-me-I'm-a-real-sinner-'cause-I-thought-of-leaving-the-ashram-and-you-and-getting-a-life-of-my-own-for-a-bit-there' satsang he forced us to repeat hour after hour, day after day. What do you think was happening in the ashram retreats then or, worse, the initiator 'training sessions'? It was all weepy 'we-almost-left-you-and-started-thinking-for-ourselves-but-thankfully-you-saved-us-again' shit. Later, of course, he changed his mind again and ENCOURAGED us to chill a bit and get our little lives happening. The question is, who're you going to scapegoat for that little tour? Joan Apter?
Now think back. 1976. The ashrams are closing, people are untethering themselves from the early DLM traditions and views. Wherever they came from, whoever was responsible for them, we were sick of them. "Let's get real", we said. Satsang became less party line about how great and good Maharaji and Knowledge was and more about our experiences -- good and bad. Now, I'm not saying that was good. I'm not saying one way or the other. But that is what was happening. Until....
Until Essen. That was the DUO directors meeting, remember? Maharaji called all the guys together for a little "refocusing" session. We'd given up devotion, he warned us. It was time to pray. And pray we did. Thus commenced the second run of religiosity in DLM. Endless marathon satsangs, day in and day out in some communities, where we benumbed ourselves with two themes One was the incredible mercy of our Lord, our living Perfect Master, our Satguru Maharaji. The other was our sneeky, deeky minds that had almost cost us our lives of surrender and devotion.
Brother, it was more religious than ever before and brother, it was all his. And thee ain't no one else to pin it on. It was all Maharaji's trip.
Oh sure, I don't doubt that some premie somewhere spread some sensational rumour about Maharaji manifesting in some Baskin and Robbins somewhere. But that was small change compared to the rumours he encouraged about himself. If you don't remember, I'd be happy to go over the old satsangs with you chapter and verse. And yes, we could fight about every passage. But you know, you know.
Put another way: what religious bullshit are your referring to that he was not responsible for? Arti? His. The divine succession trip (x, y, Shri Hans, Maharaji, z, ...)? His. The 'one perfect master in the world at a time' trip? His. Face it, James, this self-satisfied stuff of yours doesn't cut it:
Well, big surprise! It wasn't a religion.It was not dependent on ashrams, beliefs, philosophies, lifestyles, or anything else. We took our expectations and our ideas and tried to mold Knowledge to fit. Another big surprise! It doesn't fit. From what I have seen over the years, the things that don't have anything to do with Knowledge, Maharaji has gotten rid of.
Maharaji only got rid of the ashrams cause everyone was splitting. I mean these were religious, right? Chastity, poverty, obedience. Looks like it. Remember, Maharaji STOKED the ashrams back up in late '76. Why? Who can you blame for that, James. And let me tell you, as recently as 1980 Maharaji was trying to scare the living hell out of anyone even thinking of leaving his holy order. I know, I was there. So who you gonna put that one on? Me? Did I do that? Well, I beg your pardon. And all along I thought I was just trying to follow the truth and the Lord who'd shown it to me. Now, thanks to your rich insight, I realise that I was creating a religion! Holy cow!!
Look, did you ever have any "special" service of any kind? It could have been anything from doing some "direct" service for Maharaji himself at the res or at a program or maybe even just playing tennis with Gurucharanand. "Special" in this context simply means relatively rare and coveted by the group at large. In other words, when Raja Ji came to Ottawa, and we had his holiness and his princess over for dinner at the ashram, the fact that WE ashramies could be there but the regular community could not, well that's special. Just common pecking order stuff. Universal and obvious. Nonetheless we were all completely caught up in it. It was unavoidable.r
The DLM once had 45 ashrams, and information centres in 110 cities in the US. Income from these sources allowed Maharaji to buy an US$80,000 building in Denver, land worth US$400,000 in Malibu (Los Angeles), limousines, racing-cars, and helicopters, while his devotees led simple lives. Incorporated as a nonprofit tax-exempt church in Colorado, it became a a multi-million dollar operation
-Los Angeles Times, 12/1/1979
I'd like to get one thing straight about the comments I saw that certain people expressing their views here are just angry because MJ closed the ashrams and they were more into the ashrams than into MJ. Also, I heard some incredible revisionist historical statements that MJ closed the ashrams because they got in the way, and he was never really into them anyway.
1. First, MJ made it clear in the ashram meetings, and throughout the mahatmas and initiators, that the ashrams were essential to his mission and it was absolutely the worst thing you could do to move out. So, there you were if you wanted to devote your life, which he also required. He also said the ashram premies were closer to him than the non-ashram premies. I was there, I heard it. Quote from Bill Patterson to me circa 1975: 'If you want to dedicate and surrender to Guru Mararaj Ji, that means ashram, there is no other way.' Patterson was also armed with other quotes directly from MJ on the same issue.
2. The above position of MJ was not popular with me, because I personally hated living in the ashrams because, among other things,
3. If Maharaj Ji closed the ashrams because they 'got in the way' that implies they were a mistake. And they were a 'mistake' that had profound effects on the lives of many people. Does the Lord of the Universe make mistakes? Has he ever admitted that? Taken in context with what he said at the ashram meetings, it's hard to take it any other way. Or where the ashrams just a phase MJ was going through and a few thousand pesky human beings just happened to get in the way, turning over all their money, damaging any career potential they ever had and damaging their relations with their families? Gee whiz, I guess we just screwed up his plans and he had to close them. Oh, I forgot, MJ is only responsible for the good stuff and everything else is our fault! Right. He can't have it both ways and we shouldn't let him. At least for the record.
I am writing because I moved into in the Ashram in 1978 and stayed until they closed. I really thought it was what Maharaji wanted me to do. I believed Maharaji was my Lord and I followed his instructions completely sincerely and closely.
I am still coming to terms with the painful realisation that it was a TRAGIC waste of my youth. I still feel so let down and disillusioned.
I hoped for years that Maharaji would meet with those who had given their lives to him and offer some conciliatory words at least. I attended programs, watched endless videos, practiced, practiced, practiced.... clung on , always giving Maharaji the benefit of the doubt, hoping that I would feel clearer about things.
Instead of helping me and others to reconcile these problems he has brushed ASIDE the whole matter, along with his so-called LOVE & concern for our LIVES.
His flippant attitude towards my past (along with many other things he has said and done that I can no longer condone ), has made me fundamentally mistrust him and his teaching. He has only got time for sycophants.
I feel that he stole part of my youth that I can never retrieve. I am now making up for lost time and feel essentially much happier for it. However I still carry a huge resentment towards him for persuading me in my innocence to devote my life for years to him in his ashrams. He IMPOSED ON ME a lifestyle which promised much but in reality was EXTREMELY psychologically unhealthy for me.
I am not going to waste my time arguing with blinkered premies who feel differently. I know now that I need to express MY WRATH about this and I agree that an effort should be made to get Maharaji to face it. It was too devastating an experience to move on from without feeling any sense that there should be some retribution. I feel that Maharaji is getting away without having to take responsibility for those words and actions of his that directly caused so much suffering. That 's what this site is all about. If it means offending him or being disrespectful. Well that's tough. He led me a-stray and I will never have those years back.
But does he care? Why should he? HE THINKS HE'S GOT A DIVINE RIGHT TO WRECK A FEW LIVES. Got to break a few eggs to make an omelette, right ?
WRONG. NOT IF IT MEANS PLAYING WITH MY LIFE. I am damned if I am going to sit back and let him be as flippant as he has been about people like me without speaking up. Why are Maharaji and premies incapable of any human sympathy for those who have suffered at Maharaji's hands ? Because they have an unspoken agreement to perpetuate the myth, in their own minds, that any casualties along the way were self-inflicted. Maharaji can do no harm. It must be doubting-Thomas-like premies 'Turning away from Knowledge' and suffering 'The consequences of their actions'.
They believe in the dualism of the Mind versus the Heart. A convenient myth that accords them a simplistic and blinkered view of human existence.
The premies in the ashram were told to remain celibate while M partook in the very pleasures they were to deny themselves.They lived in poverty while he lived in the wealth they provided for him.
' You should not expect any response to any of your questions unless you treat him with the respect he deserves.' -L.Goss
Mr Heller is evidently going through a lot of anger and has obviously lost his respect for the time being. Am I to understand that his disrespectful attitude invalidates his questions?
I gather that his lack of respect is partly because he feels that the sincere sacrifice he made (8 years in an ashram ) was in vain. Surely he deserves some respect himself for the time he committed to understanding 'The greatest gift' . How much respect is Maharaji due from people that feel that it hasn't necessarily been earned ?
If you believe that he is your Lord, then you become his willing slave. You completely dedicate your life to him. In the course of serving him, of dedicating your life to him, you provide his means of support and income. That's really what's at the core of it. It's sad, because there's no provision being made for these people.
There are so many of them in his ashrams. That word is roughly equivalent to the English word 'monastery'. He has a number of people living in them in a state of poverty, chastity and obedience. These people give all of their fruit of their labour to him.
Some of them are probably under the impression that he is using it to spread his knowledge, to spread the practice of meditation and the means of inner peace to the people of the world. In fact, that's really not what happens. Most of the money just goes to support him in his lifestyle.
(written in the 1970's)
This was also the period when GMJ said he was looking at land in Florida for a 'divine city' or something similar (at least he said that at an ashram meeting in 1980 at the Kissimee swamp). This set off alarms somewhere in my brain and I had images of the paranoia that could develop there, but I guess that never went anywhere; I think GMJ spent all the money on himself and there was never anything left to buy the land with, thank god.
Brian MacDermott is on the security roster. His wife is the head of
ushering at large events. He is still nuttier than a fruitcake and incredibly
funny. He is much in demand as a speaker at service meetings because he
always lightens the mood.
On a different note, I ran into him last year when he was being torn down
by an ex-ashram premie who was in the 'married ashram' at the time Brian
was telling parents to give their children to the care of nannies and go
out and do full time service. This woman had spent about two months without
her infant in an attempt to follow Brian's directive at that time, and
she finally gave up, got her child back, and stayed home with the baby.
Brian was a bundle of apologies about how stupid he'd been in those days. How uncaring and insensitive.
There were I don't know how many incarnations of Divine Light Mission that got formed, dissolved and re-formed. There was the ashram experiment and to my understanding, as soon as it proved to be uncomfortable or counter-productive for people, Maharaji himself disbanded it.
I didn't know that the ashram was an 'experiment' (failed, by the way). Don't you think GMJ had an obligation to let people know that, prior to encouraging their (costly) involvement in something that was just an 'experiment'?
I also wondered if the caste system you describe: (GMJ/mahatma/initiator/residence premie/ashram/rich premie/single premie/married-with-children-premie)was also intentional on GMJ's part. Is that what he came here to give us, a little bit of the India caste system right here in America?
I did see Heaven's Gate news shots & videos. They reminded me so much of DLM ashram's that I went out to search the net for info. on my old cult,DLM. The inexplicable conviction of those folks was scary. I also related to the barracks style of housing. Ashrams had away of being so attractive on the outside but on the inside, after they schmoozed you in it was basic training tactics 24hrs. I was a renegade premie of sorts. and those brothers & sisters that I lived with were very close.
I kept practising Knowledge always looking on the bright side and giving Maharaji the benefit of the doubt .
Because, in the ashram , we were supposed to largely sever our family ties, I ,as an adult, never really got to know my dear, kind old dad. This I now resent.
It still seems rather mean to prescribe a lifetime of celibacy and teetotalism to ones followers.( As Maharaji did in the case of Ashram premies.) and then to secretly live the kind of lifestyle that would not be out of place in a Jackie Collins novel.
I grant that Tej (eshwaranand) was very realized then. This was when he stayed with us in Vancouver for a while and we really got to know him. He moved all the ashramies out of one house (we had two side by side) and secretly flew his girlfriend from Philly in. He was also fucking a couple of local premies too. One started giving 'star' satsang. You know she was centered out as someone who had actually realized the Knowledge and saw Maharaji's face everywhere. And that was just what Tejeshwaranand was able to do. Ah memories, memories. Now why doesn't Maharaji put out a Mahatma commemorative coin series? Who wouldn't buy a few Gurucharand's? But I digress.
Later (1977-78?) I was personally and privately interviewed by him (after his promotion to Chief Officer for Ashram recruitment) in order to qualify for becoming a Kosher Ashram premie.
Thus the guy (David Smith) has some part in my history of incarceration in various of the 'residencies for the forlorn' that Maharaji had established across many towns and nations.
Thank you, I know it was not just me. In addition to the 'henchmen' label, which fits, it appeared to many of us that Smith had a strong sadistic streak in him that could show itself on the especially vulnerable ( i.e. those under his control, the most vulnerable of the ashram premies, especially during his great ashram inquisition in 1981 when Maharaj Ji apparently told him to 'clean up the ashrams.')
This was troubling to me, especially when he told me that he truly believed that he was completely controlled by Guru Maharaj Ji and that anything that came into his head he should just do because it was divinely inspired (YIKES!). Even the other initiators used to comment that he needed professional psychiatric help.
When I was living in the ashram in the mid-70s DLM sent an ashram premie, who was having some emotional problems, to where I was living and I was his roommate. [Believe it or not, I was considered a very stable, together ashram premie, and so I was often assigned to room with people who were particularly freaked out.] Anyway, this guy was very uptight and rigid. He meditated for about five hours a day, never missed arti or satsang, and did whatever service he was told to do.
He loved Guru Maharaj Ji immensely and wanted to dedicate his entire life to him. Anyway, after a while he began to open up to me a little and I learned something about him. He told me that he was really having trouble with sexual desires and he had to be very careful because he might slip up on his celibacy vows.
Anyway, one day I came into the bathroom and found that he was trying to castrate himself with a razor; he said he was doing it because he just couldn't deal with the sexual desires that his mind was throwing at him. I was able to stop him before he did much damage, and after some medical attention, he seemed okay.
I tried to argue that he needed professional psychiatric help, but the line I got from the powers that be and the mahatmas was that satsang, service and meditation were the solution to absolutely everything. [That may sound strange to you know, but that was definitely the prevailing view then, and that is what GMJ was saying.] Sometime after that, he slapped a sister in the ashram for talking and laughing in the satsang hall, which was not allowed. [I can't remember whose agya that was.] I don't think he hurt her, but everyone could see he was unravelling.
Anyway, after the slap incident, the powers that be in the ashram called the police and had him arrested, and he was committed to a local mental facility. I remember visiting him there. It was a true snake pit. He had soiled his clothes and he had been given drugs such that he wasn't sure who I was. Eventually, he was sent to go live with his father.
Once later I called his father who told me that a few years earlier, this guy had turned over his trust funds and all his other money and possessions to Guru Maharaj Ji and he was just a little incredulous that after the cult got what they wanted from this guy, and he became too much trouble, they just abandoned him.
It was really hard for me. I couldn't reconcile how someone who had devoted their entire life to the Lord of the Universe, even if we was a little strange, could be abandoned by the Lord of the Universe, especially when he was one of the most vulnerable. I guess that was one of the first indications to me that Guru Maharaj Ji did not know or care about what was happening to the people who were slaving away for him and who sincerely gave themselves to him. No matter how hard I meditated and did service, I never lost that feeling entirely. I wonder what they guy is doing now?
I didn't intend to blame Guru Maharaj Ji for all the insensitive and stupid things that his organization, his mahatmas and administrators did to this poor ashram brother or to other people who were in Divine Light Mission. That would be illogical and unfair. But Guru Maharaj Ji is responsible to the extent he set up the whole situation where he was asking for total devotion and surrender and where there were ashrams in the first place, making people vulnerable to the kind of stuff that went on in them.
Sure there was valuable stuff, but there was also destructive stuff, as I and others have mentioned here. If that brother was not trying to surrender and devote his life to Guru Maharaj Ji, which Guru Mahararj Ji had asked him to do, he never would have been there trying to stifle his sexual desires with a razor blade. Maybe he would have done something destructive elsewhere, who knows, but that doesn't change the fact that he was depending on GMJ to take care of him. Maybe that was a ridiculous thing to do, and in the end it turned out to be a ridiculous and stupid thing to do, but that doesn't mean that Guru Maharaj Ji does not share some ultimate responsibility for putting himself out there as this brother's lord and master.
True, it doesn't let his other mindless, heartless, devotees off the hook either, but he remains at least somewhat ultimately responsible nonetheless.
I just can't resent the fact that my clothes were sold off while I was in the ashram. I never minded sleeping on the floor (in the residence I used to sleep behind the couch so that I could jump up if I heard Maharaji walking down the stairs). I didn't resent living on white rice and leftover potato chips and baskin robbins, or brown rice and lentils - depending on where I was living at the time.
The experiences I had were always positive. Perhaps I am a carryover from another century, another place and time. Or maybe my years on the Lower East Side had already jaded my ideas of what a normal living situation should look like that having any semblance of middle class living would have seemed odd to me.
As usual, I've gone on too long, and gone off the subject. I just wanted to let you know that there are some of us who went through the whole trip and came out of it whole and even appreciating it.
I just can't resent the fact that my clothes were sold off while I was in the ashram. I never minded sleeping on the floor (in the residence I used to sleep behind the couch so that I could jump up if I heard Maharaji walking down the stairs). I didn't resent living on white rice and leftover potato chips and baskin robbins, or brown rice and lentils - depending on where I was living at the time. -
No, you big silly. Nor did I. Those sort of things pale into insignificance for me. My gripes are that I dedicated my entire time to an incredibly boring and delusive life to which I was really unsuited. I never saw my family (until my Dad's death) , I helped to peddle and promote Maharaji as the Master. Gave him all my earnings etc. etc.(that bothered me morally when I saw where the money went ) Basically I learned the hard way. If MJ hadn't come along I would have been spared the madness of his authoritarian regime and could have concentrated on some other enjoyable pursuits in life. I didn't enjoy the Ashram. But I felt pressured by him to be there. If it had just been Knowledge and meditation I would have definitely been grateful. I feel I am repeating myself. I have done what you asked and reread your posts. Do me a favour and read my story in the Journey's section entitled 'Viewpoint' if you haven't already. I think I have expressed myself better there.
The experiences I had were always positive. Perhaps I am a carryover from another century, another place and time. Or maybe my years on the Lower East Side had already jaded my ideas of what a normal living situation should look like that having any semblance of middle class living would have seemed odd to me. As usual, I've gone on too long, and gone off the subject. I just wanted to let you know that there are some of us who went through the whole trip and came out of it whole and even appreciating it. -
Well my experiences were honestly not all positive. Frankly I am baffled how any premie can honestly suggest that it has been an entirely positive experience. It sounds like wishful thinking to me. I know a number of really blatantly screwed up old premies who tiresomely insist that Knowledge and MJ keep them in great shape. They are clearly not telling the truth, believe me. Maybe you are like them. Maybe not.
As for 'pressured to leave your family' - this is what really does set me off. Pressured by WHOM? -
David Smith for one! He had MJ's blessings didn't he??I don't think that you can ever have been to any of MJ's latter day ashram premie satsangs... at least not the one's I went to. You might not get so 'set off' about my complaint if you had .
Actually, the premise of my piece is that my relationships with my siblings, especially Erika, was very much harmed for a decade by her involvement with Maharaji--but that the post-1982 loosening/ devolution/ de-ashramification/ de-Hinduification of Mahraji's presentation and operation was a benign transformation. From my perspective, it allowed me to have my siblings (especially my sister) back in the land of the living. They stopped proselytising me. And for more than a dozen years now there has been NO tension over Maharaji. I don't know of any other 'cult' leader who willingly loosened the reins on his followers in this way--who, it can be argued, transformed his thing from a true cult to a more reasonable, sustainable, meditation-based religious community.
- (Journalist for the New Yorker)
When I transferred to the Boston ashram in 1976, X (real name deleted )was the community coordinator. He announced a couple of days after I got there that he was leaving the ashram and getting married. Turns out he got one of the community premies pregnant and since GMJ was adamantly opposed to abortion, he had a sort of shotgun situation on his hands. Of course, about a year or so later, when GMJ was demanding total surrender once again after the 1976 loosening, X abandoned his wife and kid and moved back into the ashram, ending up in Miami meeting with GMJ to be his steward. I hope he eventually went back to his wife and kid. But I digress.
I was a happy, well-balanced, talented, educated, loving and sincere child who appreciated the gift of life that I had been given, and humbly aspired to fulfil my purpose through serving Maharaji who I truly believed would care for me as my Master.
Maharaji then proceeded to convince and coerce me, at a vulnerable time in my life, with the medieval religion that he preached. He then encarcerated me in his ashram for years and took everything I had to offer materially and spiritually. My life was, and remains, my most precious gift and I never needed Maharaji or anyone else to remind me. I knew that from my childhood without any third party claiming to be the source of my inspiration or preaching to me about what I gratitude I owed them.
I had so much to give in my life.Is it surprising that I felt disillusioned when at age 25 I found myself without a job or career,no family, my father dead, Maharaji laughing all the way to the bank, and feeling all the frustration of a having had my life's potential wasted? Yet there I was still polishing his brothers Lambourghini for the nth time.
Yes, I carried on practising Maharaji's prescription to the letter, giving him the benefit of the doubt. Yes I have seen him all over the world many many times. I have been a fully paid up member of the Maharaji travel club.
Since leaving the ashram I have been luckier than some. I have had the common sense and guts (apparently lacking in many premies) to be mercilessly conscientious and to look in the mirror to see what has truly become of my life. It has been enormously hard to face the reality, shake off the complacency and the anaesthetic denial and continue with hope and trust in Life. My suspicions and conclusions about the reality of Maharaji and the whole Guru, Master business have come gradually, over many years, as a result of using my common sense and discrimination whilst practising Maharaji's prescription to the letter with good faith.
Since leaving the ashram many premies have suffered terrible difficulties in trying to get going on their own. I have carved out for myself and my newly acquired family, what some would consider to be an enviable career and lifestyle. But I will always be acutely aware of how much more I could have achieved had I not been for so long sidetracked by the hypnotic delusions put upon me by Maharaji's world.
I feel that because I married an ashram premie as soon as the ashram's were closed in '82 that in a sense we created our own ashram life of devotion and loving MJ not each other. I look forward to the day where the fallout will be over.
'So all ashram residents, and it's working out that most of the community for the same reasons, has to ask for money from family and friends. So please, I would very much appreciate it if you can send me whatever you can. Well I've written a fairly long letter now and the typing's getting really scattered.
So much love to you both, X
P.S. You should pick up the most recent 'And it is Divine.' It's fantastic.
- X (as a keen young premie)
To hell with people like me, X, Y and others who were involved in the ashram/initiator experiment (as Z puts it) which he tried for awhile until it became clear he wouldn't be able to pull it off. He didn't give a shit how people like us might have gotten chewed up in the process.
He doesn't even feel the need to address that issue, and hasn't to my knowledge.
The end of the ashrams in the UK, for example, coincided with a change in perspective in many ways both - much had moved on around us from the early 70's. It was uncomfortable even hurtful, but timely and liberating, really, I thought. My main difficulty was and is, to a degree, in not saying goodbye - to the people and the beliefs .... the lack of closure that one of the previous correspondents talked of. I find this discussion helpful and welcome in that respect and am grateful to the others for their comments and views which are helping me, for one, to understand, accept and appreciate those times.
The Crusades etc. may not have occurred,(at least not in the name of Christ )or any other religious leader. Followers of Applewhite read Christ's actually (so-called) spoken words ( not accounts from others.) only. They read these over and over. One could say they were devote Christians in the early years. But one man's power tore people from their families (not unlike ashram premies from theirs) controlled their lives and then led them to their death. They weren't forced. They were free to leave at any time. Their loyalty and devotion was the reason they stayed. They sincerely trusted Do to be the incarnation of a Great teacher and they would have seen Maharaji as a cult leader I'm sure.
So where do we draw the line? Families I know of ashram premies still suffer from those lost years. If a group commits suicide is it then ok to call it a cult? If only individuals commit suicide or have nervous breakdowns, then it's not? If harm and suffering occurs for some premies and not for others, then it isn't a cult?
Anyway, in 1981, Mr. Smith was in charge of the western region of the U.S. for GMJ, including all the initiators, ashrams, businesses and communities. In one of his meetings with Guru Maharaj Ji, apparently GMJ was really pisssed off about the ashrams and gave the order to clean up the ashrams. I don't know if Maharaj Ji ever said what that was supposed to entail, and in other regions it happened quite differently, but Mr. Smith, because he believed that whatever came into his head was god talking, decided to use the community I was living in as his first target and went on a rampage that would put the Spanish Inquisition to shame. To him, his orders meant scaring and terrorizing and ashram premies with a lot of psychological abuse, getting ashram premies to rat on each other about who might or might not have a special friend (not allowed), who might be doing terrible things like reading books (not allowed), have a job in the world that he or she was too into (not allowed) having too many possessions (he actually went through the ashram premies' closets and threw away clothes if he thought somebody had too many), didn't behave correctly (he told one premie who had some psychological problems that he was a robot and had to change while at the same time terrifying him into being more of a robot than he ever was before). He had these interrogation meetings with individuals and groups that were terribly disrespectful and abusive. He gave satsang to the ashrams in which he used fuck and other abusive language that I had never heard in satsang before. It was unbelievable heavy and devoid of anything but fear. It was also clear that there was no correct way to be.
Whatever you did made you open to his attack, his actions and statements could be completely contradictory, because, apparently, attacking was his purpose. It was also clear to me and others that David really ENJOYED the pain he was causing. He really ENJOYED abusing people. That was the terrifying part to me. It was abusive because he always held over the premies head that he would throw them out of the ashram, or send them to some remote community if they didn't conform to some idea he had in his head about the way you were supposed to be. Superimpose this on the many ashram satsangs we had attended with GMJ in which he said that moving out of the ashram was the absolutely worst thing you could do and basically that it was more or less required for total dedication, which was also required. I think the premies also mostly believed and had faith in GMJ's hierarchy that the GMJ was in control and would protect them. Also, by and large, these were not spaced out ashram premies. They lived by the schedule, did S,S & M (funny sound to that) every day and did what they were told. Maharaj Ji was absolutely everything to them.
Even some of the initiators said Smith needed professional psychiatric help. He also, when confronted, admitted to me that he had one beaten up some girl when he was younger, almost admitting the abusive streak in him. Anyway, I saw some of the people I had lived with for a long time completely change from being fairly open, happy people to being sullen and depressed. A few of them opened up to me somewhat and talked about how terrible they felt, and the terrible fear that they didn't measure up again, blaming themselves for being worthless slugs because obviously this was all part of GMJ's plan. I think it was the feeling of wanting to get out of the concentration camp Mr. Smith was running, while at the same time your devotion to GMJ kept you there. It was a terrible, claustrophobic, imprisoned feeling. And it shook my faith in GMJ to the core. There was absolutely no love in what he did. There was absolutely no human compassion for people as individuals. All he saw was the marching orders from GMJ and his interpretation of them. It smelled of paranoia and fear. And he was basically a big jerk.
You also have to also understand that the ashram premies were especially vulnerable to this type of abuse. They were mostly pretty simple types, without a lot going for them, and they literally had NOTHING besides their dedication to GMJ and trying to be more surrendered. So, here comes Mr David Smith with the sensitivity of a Mack Truck to clean up whatever it was they were doing. I don't think I ever saw anything quite like it in DLM, even among the more insane Mahatmas.
I think the reaction was so negative to what he did, however, that I don't think he tried it anywhere else on a grand scale. Although I've heard stories about how he attacked individuals. I, at least, made sure what he did was well known outside the region, and I know others confronted him about it. Anyway, about a year later Mr. Smith came back to our fair community and sort of apologized to the ashram residents for what he did, but, when confronted, he used the old premie line that it was what was necessary and all perfect and it needed to happen. So, he basically spoke out of both sides of his mouth. I could never stand the sight of the guy after that.
I also remember something else. David actually carried around a little black book in which he kept notes about the ashram premies.
As has been documented on this site numerous times, I would suggest that the ashram premies, the initiators, and those who did service in places like DECA in building the Boeing 707, suffered the most in Guru Maharaj Ji's cult, probably because they gave up the most, in terms of personal freedom, material possessions, career and educational opportunities, family relationships, and years of their lives (and many, including myself, think those years were both precious and wasted). This does not include psychological damage and, many would argue, spiritual damage, which, while very real, are harder to measure and much more subjective.
There seems to be a widespread revisionist belief around among current cult members that people who were part of these institutions did so on a completely voluntary basis and that Guru Maharaj Ji really didn't care whether you lived in the ashram or became an initiator or not. But as those who were there can testify, that is utter bullshit.
As an example of how people were coerced into the ashram, take events in 1979 when I was community coordinator in Washington DC. Nearly the entire time I was there the resident initiator was Randy Prouty, and part of the time he was joined by Alan Imbarrato (god, was HE ever an idiot!). Randy continuously reported that it was GMJ's wish that everyone who could do so should fully dedicate by moving into the ashram. He, and I'm sorry to say with my assistance, embarked on a program to harass every available premie in the community to make that commitment.
DC was probably an unusual community in the sense that many of the premies were very together, with successful careers in government, business and the professions. [Dr. John Horton, for example was from DC.] The ashram premies were by and large the exact opposite -- a pretty untogether, but dedicated bunch. I think many of the together community premies could not relate to the weirdness of the ashrams. Anyhow, Randy set up meetings with all the premies in the community who weren't married, or who were married but didn't have kids and basically inspired (read, harrassed) them to make the commitment to the ashram. We also held pre-ashram meetings for these people as well. Randy related over and over things GMJ had said to him about the importance of total surrender through the ashram. As another incentive, anyone who began going to the pre-ashram meetings were allowed by GMJ to go to the ashram meetings he held at almost every festival. And we know the kinds of stuff GMJ said, now don't we? The pressure on these people was very intense and Randy said it was coming directly from GMJ.
Many of those people did move into the ashram and many of them ended up giving up their marriages and careers and going to Miami to work on the plane, into national headquarters and a number stayed in the community. I know several who feel pretty ripped off by that experience, and I must say I don't feel so great that I might have contributed to their problems. I know the ashrams only lasted about 5 years after that, but I just want the record to be clear about how much Maharaj Ji was into the ashrams being there, how much people were harassed into moving in to them by GMJ's henchmen, at his direction, and that to premies who really wanted to surrender in the way GMJ asked, there really was no choice when it came to that commitment. It is also important to remember how much people gave up to be there. Some people may say it was a great experience, but many people feel they were really ripped off. I would just like to say again, that unlike what Mili says,it wasn't just some choice people made to be there, there really was coercion both to move in and to stay there.
It is also infuriating to me, as I have also said before, that after the premie moved into the ashram, like most other premies, Maharaj Ji had virtually no interest in them, apparently didn't give a shit what happened to them, and then one day just ended the ashrams entirely, apparently without explanation, after people had given years of their lives to be there.
Some people who received knowledge in the 70s were apparently asked to fill out a form listing their financial assets, and some weren't. Who here was and wasn't solicited thusly?
- X (Journalist foy The New Yorker)
X, I think those forms were definitely in the 70s. I filled one out and I think most of the ashram residents were asked to do so, but I don't know how extensive it was. When I was working at national headquarters I saw the files of completed forms. I recall the form asked not only about your assets, but whether you expected an inheritance and some stuff about your parents' assets. I recall filling out the form and describing my father's net worth.
I don't think those questionnaires were given to just anyone who received knowledge...I think they were only given to the ashram residents, and I don't know how many of them actually got them. I filled out mine when I was in Miami, and that was 1979-1980 or so. By that time, I am not aware that anything was actually done with them. At that time, the focus was on immediate cash, mostly for plane project, rather than money coming in from inheritance down the road.
In the early years, DLM got tax exempt status as a religion such that people who donated could deduct it from their taxes. [In fact, in relation to some of the jobs I had while living in the ashram, I recall we were instructed to fill out our withholding (W-4) forms to have NOTHING withheld for federal income taxes, because we were considered monastics with no income. When I moved out of the ashram briefly in 1976, I had to actually had to pay taxes for a period of time while I was in the ashram and after the tax exempt status was lost.] Around 1976 or 77, the IRS eliminated the tax exempt status of DLM. Of course, donations to GMJ directly were never tax deductible.
Premies were also encouraged to send money directly to Guru Maharaj Ji. There was a p.o. box in Malibu to send the money to. Since there was no longer any tax advantage to contribute to DLM and since a lot of the premies sort of disliked DLM anyway, and were being told to devote entirely to GMJ, I suspect more and more money went directly to GMJ. I know that was the case with me. When I was ashram housefather and handled the finances, we made the 10% donations to DLM, but we sent more money directly to the GMJ post office box. The rest of the money went to basic food/living and going to festivals, which was a MAJOR expense and often put us heavily in debt. The heavy debt of the ashrams was sort of an ongoing joke in DLM. DLM was also usually short of funds.
At least after 1976, if you had a debt you were NOT allowed to move into the ashram -- Just ask David Smith if you don't believe me. You HAD to be at least at break-even. It's true that there was an attempt to keep DLM and Maharaj Ji finances separate, but it's not true that that happened. For example, in fundraising for the plane, millions of dollars of it went through DLM, illegally and we are talking 1980 and not 1971. The main reason DLM was abolished was because the IRS was hot on GMJ's tail.
Just like a lot of seminaries, the brothers ashrams were full of repressed gay men. I won't go into the details, but it is sad that a number of them, when the ashrams closed, were really unprepared to deal with negotiating gay safe-sex life in the era of AIDs and a couple of them I had lived with died from AIDS within a couple of years after the ashrams were closed.
One time right after a festival, where there was darshan, I walked into the satsang hall and saw the community coordinator getting a blow job from one of the ashram sisters. And do you know what? That sister got sent away to a remote reform-school ashram (San Antonio) because she was confused whereas the supposedly-celibate community coordinator$stayed right where was.
I remember getting the letter after the guy shot up the girls in the Tallahassee ashram (no more inner agya!). And I remember the one after Mata Ji and Bal Bhagwan Ji split (no more holy family agya!)
I saw how other premies in the ashram were being abused by some of the people Guru Maharaj Ji had put in charge of them and that made me doubt that GMJ was really protecting his premies as I believed he was. It seems I could see their suffering, at least to some extent, even while I was at the same time unable to see my own.
My husband was carried out of the ashram physically in the 70's because he burnt out so badly. He went to a non premie's farm for a few weeks to recover. He discovered life was empty without the realm of knowledge and the master. He rationalized all the abuse he experienced and witnessed as having nothing to do with MJ, and went back to live in the ashram until it closed in '82. When faced with Mishler's interview, he remarked to it as only rumour. When confronted with the possibility of who he once called,' Lord of the Universe' being drunk, he replied it only made it more real for him...Maharaji's humanity.
At one of those huge, huge, ashrams, with no furniture that I lived in Anne Johnston also hosted an event. This was a formal dinner and the ashram brothers were the waiters. We wore white shirts and ties and crisp white aprons that the ashram sisters had ironed. We served cheese pie (glorified macaroni and cheese), salad and herbal tea, and healthy cookies that tasted like hockey pucks for desert. A premie sister sang a sweet devotional song. Then we had introductory satsang for our parents and co-workers. Even introductory satsang back then mentioned, in front of a big altar with GMJ's huge (2'x3') picture on it framed in gold, that he was the perfect master of our time and that he was the equivalent of Jesus, Buddha and Krishna. We said this with big smiles on our faces. Stupid? yes. Condescending? yes. But it made us feel like we could bend the rules and sit in chairs and act cordial and not treat our parents like the evil attachments we had all been taught they were.
Do any of you premies remember the private satsang that he gave to ashram premies at a program held in Kissamee florida where he clearly said (I created you!), it seemed like the sermon on the mount that day!
Yeah I was there. No I don't remember it verbatim. I just recall that he made it far too clear that there was no turning back in Maharaji's world. Leaving the ashram was particularly treacherous particularly treacherous. There was nothing else 'out there' for us but maya. Besides, we shouldn't feel that bad, soon the whole world would be an ashram (i.e. they'd all be suffering alongside us).
The 'turn you all blue and make you float' bit was from the satsang he gave from the main stage. That's when he threatened to have Raja Ji and his WPC tour the future festival site ( the permanent one we'd all live on, but NOT in Guyana) and rassal up stragglers who were 'delaying attending satsang.' That was the festival everyone started splitting and we had do to a major talk-down at the gate to keep them there. After all, what were we going to do with all the yogurt?
The ashram satsang at Kissimmee. I actually remember attending two of them. But the one you are referring to was the same one where he not only said he created us, but he also said we didn't have the right to even look at him, that moving out of the ashram was the worst thing you could do; he said it was moving into a cesspool, and that he was going to take us out of the world entirely by buying land in Florida where we would all live. Fortunately for all of us, that didn't happen, hence we did not end up like Jonestown.
I thought you were my Lord. I gave up University so I could spend time at the palace of peace in London to get knowledge, and played the famous Mahatma game of come to coventry or go to leicester. I was a sad and naiive soul . I believed you. I told my fiance that once I got knowledge I'd have to move into an ashram and effectively ended that relationship. I was broke and followed you around the world.. I made a place in my heart for you .
That reminds me, do you recall at one point that GMJ changed the rules for formal meditation and said we should begin meditating TWO hours in the morning and TWO hours in the evening instead of just one hour each time, in addition to trying to meditate the other 20 hours of the day? That was also the period when we were always doing all-night meditations. In the ashrams, we used to do all-day Sunday meditations all the time. Christ, talk about turning meditation into drudgery. What was THAT about, and why did GMJ get on that kick? Did he have any idea what he was doing? According to Mishler, he never did meditation himself, so he probably didn't know what he was talking about anyway.
When I was in Maharaji s ashram I was one of the few people there who didn't t have aspirations or ambitions to be an instructor. I thought that if I was really sincere then such Service would automatically manifest at the right time. I was subsequently more and more surprised to notice that, without any doubt whatsoever, the effective principle to escape the drudgery of ashram life and to be elevated into the blessed ranks of Instructors, seemed to be quite the opposite. ie. Those who most loudly advertised their desire to serve MJ and put themselves forward the most brazenly were the ones who caught the attention of MJ. Grace was an imaginary factor and my ideas of being known to MJ whilst remaining silent and humbly insignificant only served to increase the speed at which I sunk into the darkest and most dismal and isolated depths of obscurity and anonymity .Thus, year in and year out, I rotted away in various Ashrams which Maharaji neither knew of or gave two hoots about.
What if M had kept his trip together a bit better and the dream hadn't died so quickly? What if we still believed in M and did so til the end? What if the ashrams hadn't fallen apart and we got old there? What if you died thinking that M was God? Dedicated your whole life, gave up the world -- so, so literally -- for him? Would it matter?
I guess what I'm asking is if it mattered that it was all fake, so long as you were 'happy'? Interesting question, don't you think?
Are there such things as 'meaningful' lives in North Korea?
If you ignored most of what Maharaj Ji said over the years, if you didn't try to keep from questioning him and his teachings and instead followed your own better judgment, if you didn't try to surrender your life to him as he demanded, and if you just took what you felt like taking and ignored the rest, well, if you did that, then the Maharaj Ji cult probably didn't cost you very much. But I also have a hard time seeing how you could have been his devotee is you just ignored what he was asking of you.
I also have no doubt that he doesn't say most of that stuff anymore because he can't get away with it. But what was all that surrender ashram don't doubt stuff about them, Hmmm? Was it just a phase he was going through and we were just too stupid to see it as just that? I also think it's offensive to people who sincerely tried to follow Maharaj Ji when current premies say we were just too stupid in listening to and believing what GMJ told us to do, and that we were defective in not, as you say, exercising [our] powers of diligence and questioning and that we abdicated our common sense. That's both offensive and condescending, and, if you ask me, evidence that perhaps someone besides some ex-premies are a little deficient in the common sense area.
Guru Maharaj Ji screwed up big time when he demanded total commitment and surrender (X please do not conveniently forget surrender) which he demanded both in and outside of his ashram satsangs, such that only some of his followers made it through. Either it was a BIG mistake, or he was intentionally setting up some kind of spiritual obstacle course of his own making. God, who needs that?
The spiritual path is hard enough without your own master and guide either screwing up or intentionally making it so large numbers of his followers will split and feel highly ripped off when he changes his tune entirely and dismisses both his own teachings of surrender and devotion, and with it the personal experiences and efforts of a large number of his devotees to do what he told them to do. If it was a mistake (and it certainly was in hindsight), why don't you and he just admit it? It certainly would clear the air for a lot of people including, I would imagine, people who continue to consider themselves his devotees but still wonder about that as well.
You see, X, the fact that he doesn't demand total commitment and surrender anymore is feeble solace and a tacit admission of a big booboo that had profound effects on the lives of many people. He really should take at least SOME responsibility, shouldn't he?
Yes, I remember when Guru Maharaj Ji used to say that receiving knowledge would not change your religion. (laugh) He then proceeded to denigrate religions as the empty traditions of dead perfect masters. Can you imagine the ashram premie after arti and meditation heading off to the local catholic church for mass?
In 1974, after three years in the ashram, I was transferred to the Boston ashram.I believe David Smith was the 'general secretary' at the time. I couldn't believe how rigid and uptight he was, and as a result, everyone else. It was like a prison. Perhaps I should be grateful, it motivated me to move out.
I have been thinking about exactly what my gripe is. It is not that MJ drinks , smokes, or copulates with Yaks. That is not my problem. It is not that he should be run out of town for evading tax or having 500 aeroplanes. It is not, essentially, his behaviour.
My gripe is that by doing what he said and following him extremely carefully, I was led into particularly unpleasant circumstances and influences. Namely the Ashram. It really was for me the most insufferably boring, heartless and disappointing way to have 'mis-spent' my youth; and my loyalty to him, which was unquestionable, was not reciprocated or appreciated by him at all,as far as I know. I lost out. Even my meditation suffered in the ashram - We were so pushed to raise money etc. that I lived a pleasureless existence as, effectively, an unpaid servant. My trust in him then started to gradually dwindle until now I find myself quite shocked that he feels no human sympathy or understanding of my plight. Obviously I am not alone in that sadness and anger. Those years I dedicated to him are gone forever.
What I am trying to say is that I feel that I made a huge sacrifice, personally, to follow Maharaji and that that was in vain and was misguided.While those around him now naughtily sip their ciders at his parties and feel blessed to be a part of his ongoing celebrations, I am elsewhere. I am not going to see him because his influence certainly suppressed my intelligence, and my growth. I was in danger of becoming a middle-aged fake. By daring to question the unquestionable, by daring to seek the truth again with a brave heart, I am finally moving on. Will he move on too?
If you are there Maharaji, spare a kind thought for us, who certainly have been your real followers. That is why we speak out here..hoping indeed that you will hear of our pain and will maybe have some respect for our experiences and concern for the effect that you have had on us. Oh yes. We are still here. We will not go away.
[bbji.1 | bbj.2 | bbj.3 | bbj.4] bubble gum ji
Bubble Gum Ji
Back To Index -:- Top of Index
Bubble Gum Ji
Back To Index -:- Top of Index