|Date: January 1, 1999|
I received knowledge in January of 1975, two months before my 21st birthday. After my knowledge session I stumbled out onto the streets of Moncton, New Brunswick, putting myself down, thinking "how could I have forgot?", as my experience in the knowledge session were nothing new to me. I remembered doing ALL four techniques as a child.
Right from the beginning there was a conflict in me, putting myself down for not remembering, to have been so lost in the world, turning this around as conformation to the openness I had for the belief of reincarnation. I was so grateful that by the power of gm I was able to once again practice these techniques that I used in childhood.
How my ego lapped this up. How special I once again felt just as I had for brief moments as a little girl with big blue eyes and curly white blonde hair. Only by his grace using cosmic events was I once again able to find in this whole world of people my perfect master and he me, his true loving devotee.
My whole life, remember I was only twenty, now made sense. All the suffering and feelings of loneliness, of not belonging, now had a explanation. No gain without pain. I was able to make sense of my robbed childhood as it had a PURPOSE. How innocent, naive and easily influenced I really was.
Now having gained the knowledge perspective of lining another twenty four years I feel so much compassion for the emotionally ill equipped young woman, carrying the baggage of being an "egomaniac with a inferiority complex".
Having been raised as an only child in a family where the father was a loving, giving functioning drunk and a emotionally immature withholding codependent mother, resulted in me being very responsible, quite jaded and emotionally underdeveloped. As a child, with only a child’s understanding I took on as my responsibility the emotional well being of my mother at the age of 8. Yet no matter what I did, it was never good enough, to make my mother happy and loving towards me. The emotional void and insecurities that left in me compounded by my clear understanding that my father by this time loved his bottle more than me, have haunted me to this day.
My bitterness and distrust in both of them started to grow in me at the age of 14 when my father suffering from the DT’s held a shot gun pointed at me. I ordered him to his bedroom, where he went and as my mother sat crying I told her to go to the neighbors to call the doctor which she did. The doctor told here to get me out of the house and to call the police she sat crying telling me on her return. No she could not do that to my father so she slept with me that night in my bed and that was the night I lost any sense of having parents to guide and nurture me into adulthood.
My reason of exposing all this family history is to explain and to be able to forgive myself then the vulnerability I had at 20 to fall into the hands of gm and his divine light mission. I was raised exposed to the notion of a quick fix is always at hand with a drink so I saw, unknowingly, knowledge as a quick fix.
I was egotistical enough to believe that I could be a Chosen one, insecure enough to go along with the program for many years, even though I experienced doubt, little red flags of "how come if this is suppose to be,,,,
Yet the line in arti "you are my mother, you are my father" kept me entrenched as I carried with me the deep branding on my emotional development of having no parents to guide me though life. I am by no means blaming my parents, this is just a true fact of my "growing up". How much I still needed at the age of 24 to be able to feel that I had a mother and father who loved me totally as I was.
Conditions put upon receiving that love was also very familiar to me as the notion of an unconditional love was one I was unaware of. So If only I would follow the rules of meditate, satsang, service and darshan I would ....what? Quiet the emotional void I felt inside, feel like I belonged to a very special group of people, I had an activity to take part in, I was given a superior goal of ‘enlightenment’ as a purpose to my living, I could feel blissed out on occasion, sometimes just a nice peaceful loving feeling. I could feel superior and loving towards persons who did not have knowledge.
I was led to believe and almost totally accept the notion that rational, logical thought, tainted in my case with emotional immaturity, was what I needed to surrender in order to fully realize knowledge. Back there was the carrot of one day ‘realizing’ something. The only ‘price of admission’ to quote Herman Hess was ‘your mind’.
I thank my mother and father for developing in me the inability to totally trust anything or anyone. My little distrustful self sat in me and started adding up all the things that were not coming true. I believed for a long time it was because I and others were not able to live ‘out of our minds’ well enough that caused all the problems until I realized that I exist no where else than in my mind. That my experience of meditation was happening no where else but ‘in my mind’.
The slow journey of trusting my mind, my thoughts, my judgments, of what I decided was important to me and floundered around trying to understand myself and experience some growth. Having totally withdrawn myself from ‘group practice’ once the videos started to be circulated, as having had received a knowledge review session from gm himself had cured me of my illusion of him being anything more that a man with a good gig.
My premie friends organized and went to see videos of gm and I saw them socially. If asked on occasion to come see a video or come to a program I would reply " no thanks, IT doesn’t work for me anymore".
I felt for many years a void, knowing there was something ‘wrong’ with me but never feeling wrong about no longer taking part with the group activities that from an outsiders point of view looked like guru worship. I felt that worshipping and following gm’s rules I had done enough without any lasting result. Now I needed to understand my mind, my emotions and to acquire my own values. I had slipped out the back door quietly, only now years later to be confronted with rehashing and dealing with the left over affects of my practice of knowledge and seeing gm as my everything.
If this site and Internet had existed 15 years ago it would have provided me with so much needed comfort and perhaps my journey to find emotional maturity and a true sense of spirituality would not have been so difficult. Anyone reading this who is contemplating receiving knowledge or joining any other cult like group, please examine your real reasons for your attraction. All the knowledge, love and understanding you need is all inside of you and it is not necessary to follow a man who only regurgitates the wisdom of the ages as his own.
I am very happy that today I fully no longer need to sacrifice my reasoning, my understanding, my integrity, my love or my values. It has taken an enormous amount of time for me to develop emotionally beyond the age of 14 but by having faith and trust in myself, trust in my decisions and forgiveness of myself , that I have come to love and honor my life. No one possess a magic wand.
Spirituality is no longer a necessary means to escape from the reality of my life in the world but a way to live in it. Seeking ‘love’ dependent on gm as a form of escape from the realities of life resulted in the devastation of my spirit as he never did teach me anything. The band aid of "oh, just meditate" it will be all right did not suffice.
I had to learn as an adult how to share mutual happiness, as well as compassion, sorrow, gratitude and joy by not "just meditate" but by interactions with persons who did not have knowledge. In spirit I believe we can experience love everywhere and in everything allowing us to have compassion for the harsh realties of life as well as experiencing joy and wonder for a quiet sunrise. Never needing any longer to negate rational thought or emotions.
When I stopped searching outside of myself for the unconditional love I needed to feel as a child I found I no longer needed it as an adult from a source outside myself. Unconditional love is a state of being that comes from with me - not the other way around. There no longer is any place in my life for ‘loss of self’, or finding my sense of wholeness through another, even when others around him claim him to be lord of the universe or a wise knowing teacher of knowledge.
I see gm today as vulture preying on the hopelessness, aloneness and despair that we all at times have experienced, and though his talons may have pierced my spirit for awhile he never did carry me anywhere. I had to become conscious myself, pick myself off of the side of the road and start walking towards embracing my life. No doubt gm will stay circling in the sky as there is always roadkill to be found and peck away at.