Journeys: A.P. McDougal (Peter)

Date: March 13, 2001 - revised June 19, 2010

Email: expremie79@gmail.com

My Message When it comes to false prophets and their cults, believe me, I have been there. As a result, I know what destructive cults are all about. I believe that groups like the Divine Light Mission destroy the spirit of those that join them. I believe that occult groups are deadly in much the same way. I wound up feeling as if the cult leader spiritually raped me. That is, the most precious part of me--the innermost part that was made to love the God alone--was violated and exploited by someone with malicious motives. My Talents I have worked with young people my whole life. First, I was a high school teacher and university instructor for 9 years. Once I changed careers, I have volunteered to mentor boys with a local volunteer agency for the last five years. I have three kids of my own that I cherish. Destructive cults and occult groups prey on young people. If you've been there or you know someone you love who is there now, feel free to contact me. I'll do what I can, even if it's just giving you a pen pal. I hope that you enjoy my story. - A.P. McDougal, June 2010 August 1975: The Poster Everywhere on Campus The university held all of the opportunities for me to find myself, finally. It was only my first semester of my freshman year, and already I made bold decisions to turn my life around and try out new experiences. I decided that I was completely done with marijuana and other mind-altering drugs. They didn't produce any kind of profound self-insight or creative enhancement, like the hippie celebrities seemed to believe. All I can say about my last year taking drugs is that smoking pot made me paranoid, and turned my inner self into an cloud of uncertainty. Increasing compulsion and decreasing enjoyment, that's all that drugs lead to ultimately. About this time, I kept seeing this poster all over campus. It was an advertisement for an upcoming event. The ad featured a picture of a very young Indian man, about my age. It said that there was going to be a free presentation on the benefits of mediation and something called "Knowledge." The young Indian man in the poster had the title Guru Maharaj Ji (hereafter, GMJ). The "Divine Light Meditation Club" sponsored the event. This poster piqued my imagination. I envisioned a meditation club as consisting of say, 5 to 10 college students, all like me, wanting a spiritual awakening. Since I was a freshman at the time, I pictured that most club members would likely be a little older and more experienced. Perhaps one person that studied with the Guru in the poster served as the club leader. Martial Arts clubs often worked that way; perhaps this was similar. I decided that I was going to find out more about the Divine Light Meditation Club. When I sat down in the auditorium waiting for the event to begin, I was immediately fascinated by what I saw. Several people that mingled on the stage seemed to be very close friends. They all greeted each other with embraces, one after another. As yet, I had no real friends on campus. So, a club composed of a warm group of people sounded just right. The presentation began… Hey, I thought, Where is this Guru Maharaj Ji whose picture was in the advertisement? If his picture was in the poster, then certainly he should be here in person to address us. Curiously, instead we only watched a video showing film clips of Guru Maharaj Ji giving speeches. Still, the message was just what I'd been seeking: find your true self, experience who God is, find peace, and bring peace to the world. I decided I really want to be a part of this. What happened to the Divine Light Meditation Club I attended my first meeting of the Divine Light Meditation Club. Now, I noticed that more things that are curious were going on. First, most of the club members seemed too old to be college students. I immediately surmised that many were in their mid to late 20s, a few possibly in their early 30s. Second, I was very surprised to learn that I was not going to practice any meditation techniques at this meeting. I thought that was the whole point of the club. I thought that we were going to meditate as a group and be friends. Instead, they told me that I was not yet ready for this Knowledge. It is so precious, they informed me, that I must learn about it first in order to prepare to receive it. Well, I did want the Truth. I really did want to grow spiritually. If that required preparation, I supposed that was O.K. So, we met on campus and the club leaders talked about Knowledge. We only met on campus once or twice, though. After that, they invited me to meet and prepare for Knowledge off campus; they even offered to give me a ride. Once I began attending the off-campus meetings regularly, I started to forget what I actually wanted from this "club" in the first place. Now, our group was no longer referred to as the Divine Light Meditation Club; instead, we were the Divine Light Mission (hereafter, DLM). We never met on campus again. We only met in someone's home for meetings called "Satsang." During Satsang, the DLM devotees, called "premies," spoke on DLM teaching and their own experiences. We heard many speeches of GMJ from tapes, and magazines. I was picking it up fast, because my "service" to GMJ consisted of keeping the DLM center's collection of tapes of GMJ speeches and magazines featuring more speeches. I would lend them out to premies that wanted to borrow them. Since I held on to the materials, I could listen to or read all I wanted. In addition to my service, I began attending Satsang nightly. Now they introduced me to some foreign spiritual concepts. First, DLM taught us that God is not a person. Instead, the Knowledge was a sensory experience of God directly in the form of divine light, heavenly music, divine nectar and the "Holy Name," which is experienced by following your breathing. That certainly was different from the Catholic catechism lessons of my youth, but I wasn't too shocked. I hadn't attended Mass in years, and after all, what did I know about God? Then we started to talk a lot about "the mind," an awful lot. This time, what DLM taught was very shocking indeed. Now that I was really committed, the real message finally came into focus. The mind, they taught, is an entirely false self. According to DLM doctrine, everyone, including my family, friends, and fellow students, was "in their mind." That meant that their personalities, interests, and hobbies were all "mind," or "Maya" that is, all were merely expressions of a false self. However, it didn't stop there. Over time I learned that the mind is much more insidious that just a false self. According to the repeated teaching at Satsang, the mind is sort of a separate intelligence inside me, professionally devoted to preventing me from realizing my true self thru Knowledge. My mind was the enemy in some weird spiritual warfare, and this battle is the meaning of my existence. If the inner thoughts of my mind are always with me, it's not much of a fair fight, is it? However, in 1975 DLM was in the midst a "devotional period." What that meant for my nightly Satsang was that we were also taught that GMJ was God incarnate. So, with the Guru's Grace--and only with his Grace---I could succeed. Total devotion to GMJ as God incarnate, total commitment to DLM, 24-7 was the only safe haven on earth, the only path to peace, Truth and God. Everything, and I mean everything, outside our little community was spiritually dead. Any move outside the DLM community, be it friends or family, was risking my spiritual suicide. Simply put, the entire outside world was tainted with "mind." The consistent message of DLM in the mid and late 1970s was that GMJ was God incarnate, and that the entire outside world and the mind is evil; I will swear an oath to it. If anyone tells you otherwise, it is a lie. Just ask my parents and long-time friends to describe the changes that came over me. My communications were no longer that of a bright, searching, questioning youth. They were simply a black-and-white ultimatum: either join DLM and get Knowledge, or there is nothing left of our relationship. At this point, my life was devoid of books, movies, sports, magazines, or friends. There was nothing in my life at all, save for the incessant indoctrination of the closed, polarized community of DLM. Initiation into Knowledge, Almost I was extremely well versed in DLM teaching. Therefore, at the next opportunity, I went to see a sort of DLM elder, called a Mahatma, in order to receive Knowledge and be initiated into DLM. As a prerequisite to my initiation, I needed to pass an interview with a Mahatma. As the time for my interview approached, I had an acute attack of anxiety. Over time, I had learned of GMJ's great wealth: his Malibu mansion on the Pacific, his collection of luxury cars, and so forth. DLM also taught that GMJ was the current incarnation of God. This was the doctrine of the "perfect masters." The perfect masters were individuals that formed a continuous succession teachers of Truth in their age. In each age, God became incarnate as the one perfect master. According to DLM teaching, Jesus Christ was the Perfect Master of his time, GMJ is the perfect master of our time. Many premies spoke of wishing to be alive when Jesus was the perfect master and gave Knowledge. Now, if Jesus and GMJ were one in the same, why did Jesus travel with nothing but the shirt on his back, sort to speak, and GMJ had such vast wealth. This contradiction troubled me greatly and it weighted heavily with me in secret. Still, I was ashamed to speak of my doubts, as doubts were as sure sign of being "in your mind." Therefore, with a mixture of zeal and anxiety, at the beginning of my interview I told the Mahatma flat out that I was not ready to receive Knowledge. I came right out and said this in spite of perhaps being the best prepared person there hoping to receive Knowledge. Nevertheless, I returned home without uninitiated and continued my preparation. Initiation into Knowledge and Bliss, or Not DLM had changed a lot during my few years in the cult. First, DLM suddenly played down the divine aspects of GMJ. He switched from appearing in traditional Indian garb to wearing expensive business suits. Later, just as suddenly, we switched back into what ex-premies call the "Heavy Devotional Period." Everything centered on devotion to GMJ. GMJ began appearing at worldwide festivals regularly, and attending them was a test of a premie's devotion. I dropped out of college and got a low paying job delivering flowers just to earn money in order to attend festivals (after tithing to DLM, of course). Along with many other premies, I spent every cent I could muster traveling from one festival to another. All this festival hopping was for the privilege of hearing GMJ in person and especially for ritually kissing his feet, thus touching God in the flesh. It never occurred to me that I was not privileged to the decisions at the highest level of the DLM organization that lead to these radical swings in belief and practice. Only thru Ex-Premie.org did I learn that DLM made these changes based on the projected impact they would have on cash flow into GMJ's personal accounts. Later on, I had another chance at initiation. So, this time I sucked up my doubts and traveled to see a Mahatma in order to go through with my initiation ceremony. In my initiation, the Mahatma worked around the room of people awaiting Knowledge. I recall making a vow surrendering the reigns of my life to GMJ. I recall the Mahatma laying hands on me. I also remember that I had a bad headache persisting during the time I was away from home following the initiation. I read an open letter from GMJ to new initiates that contained the sentence "…Now that you have received Knowledge, this mind of yours is really going to freak out." That exact quote is etched in my mind: How else to explain the sudden, persistent headaches? So, to me the cause of my headaches was terribly clear: the evil mind was causing the headaches in order to torment me into giving up Knowledge, meditation and my devotion to GMJ. Once home, my daily routine included two hours of meditation per day, and nightly Satsang and service. Now that I had received Knowledge, I don't ever recall experiencing a light, music or nectar of divine origin during meditation, as I was originally promised as a college freshman. I do recall the persistent doubts creating escalating inner conflict and I do recall that the headaches were more raging, more persistent. Still, no amount of devotion or meditation seemed to be enough to allay these attacks of my mind. I decided to move out from living with my parents at home and join an ashram, about 100 miles away. An ashram was a center where premies lived total poverty and obedience to DLM authority. This was the ultimate commitment. I would take vows and probably never see my family again. I can never forget the day I told my parents of my decision. It was in a cheap Mexican restaurant. My father asked me, "Will we see you again?" I answered coldly, "That's up to the person who runs the ashram, and I can't guarantee it." Suddenly, my middle-aged father wept publicly. I was taken back. However, was I moved by this unashamed display of grief and affection? No, I was not because by now, Peter ceased to exist. My mind was reduced to a mere doctrine-recall machine. No person lived inside my body. I only thought within the boundaries of DLM doctrine. I was virtually incapable of genuine or personal feelings of my own. All that mattered was that according to DLM doctrine, my parents were "in their minds." If anything, they were a danger to me. So, I planned to seek admission to the ashram, and that was that. Secretly, I thought about the possibly of committing suicide. After all, I still had persistent doubts about GMJ's wealth, and since the headaches did not stop, clearly my mind was winning. Not once did I experience light and bliss during meditation, as I was promised by DLM. I didn't even speak at Satsang, if I was called on. If I was a failure at this, the only thing that mattered, what was there to live for? Peter, There is Someone Here to See You One morning I was in the middle of meditation. My father opened the door and told me that there was someone here to see me. In walked the infamous "deprogrammer" Ted Patrick, along with one former premie, and one former member of the Unification Church. I freaked. I knew instinctively that this was the ultimate test of my faith. I knew that these people were the epitome of evil, since it was their task to talk me out of my faith: My faith-the only Truth in life, my true self, the reason I was born. GMJ called people that left DLM "spaced-out" premies. If I didn't resist these persecutors and fell prey to them, I was utterly, irrevocably lost in a spiritual abyss. Peter Finds His True Self After All The deprogrammers hammered me relentlessly with challenges to GMJ's claim to be God incarnate. The outstanding thing about it was how resistant I was, at first, to any questioning of my beliefs; this, even though I myself was tormented with doubts the entire time that I was in DLM. If robot-like indoctrination could be measured on a scale, I probably would have exceeded the 99th percentile. As it was, within a few days they declared that I was "deprogrammed" although, for my part, I was just feigning agreement in order to plan my escape. The next day I flew out far from home for a few weeks of "rehabilitation." At rehab, I met more ex-cult members of various cults and more member of Ted Patrick's team. We talked a lot and they were great young people. But, mind you, the whole time I was thinking, When I find my moment, I'll escape, contact the nearest DLM center, and I'm outta here. That moment came about maybe weeks into my rehab. My companions and I were on the beach. Everyone else wanted to go get drinks, but I did not want one. So, everyone left and I was alone on my beach blanket. This was the first time that I had been alone during my rehab. I sat there and thought, Here's my chance. I walk 100 feet to the road and find a gas station. I concoct a story and ask for coin to make a call. I look up DLM in the phone book, and tell them I've been captured by deprogrammers and to come and rescue me. I'll never see the deprogrammers or parents again. I sat there and thought some more, and then some more… Somewhere deep inside me, in a place where we act out of the will, I could not go through with this. Eventually, my companions arrived and that was the end of my plans to escape. You see, more had been happening on my rehab that I had realized. First, the ex-cult members and I compared notes on our cult experiences. Whenever someone talked about something that they had been taught, or the way they behaved, I could instantly recognize it. I thought to myself, I thought just like that. Or I thought, I behaved just like that. However, their cult leaders seemed ridiculous to me, and so did their beliefs. So, in that case, how could DLM be the Truth? Also, now removed form the confines of DLM, I was thawing out a bit. Therefore, now I was more receptive to questioning of the DLM experience. A very sensitive and wise ex-premie spoke to me at length, gently posing questions that I could not answer. "If GMJ loves you, why did we never see him except on stage at festivals? If you went to his home asked to speak with him about something important, you know that the guards would never let you in,", she asserted. "Would he even recognize you, if he met you on the street?" I wanted to think so, but given the whole track record of DLM, I could not honestly give the doctrinally-correct answer any more. This gentle probing started to chip at the thick wall of indoctrination. Now a breakthrough came. One morning I was taking a shower, when a train of thought popped into my head. I have no recollection of what it was. However, this part, I remember vividly. I thought to myself, That is me thinking. Here was the person that used to live in this body. They actually replaced me. Nevertheless, I remembered that person. That thought was, for the first time in years, coming from the actual Peter that I was from childhood. When contrasted with what I had become in DLM, it was clear that I had rediscovered my real self. When my rehab ended and I returned home, I was not going back to DLM ever again. Peter Stays Alive All my high school friends that heard about my DML involvement and had worried about me for the last four years gathered for a celebration following my rehab. Every good friend of mine showed up. When the party was over, I realized that the love we gave lip service to in DLM was a sham--what I had just experienced was real. However, before long, my situation started to sink in. Since my family moved out of state away from my friends in my senior year of high school, my communication with them was limited to letters. I was 21 years old. Most of my high school friends had earned their college degrees and had started careers. They had their own apartments. They had significant relationships going. They had expanded their circle of friends to include new friends they made in college or on their jobs. For my part, I dropped out of college to pay for DLM festivals. I had no job, nor did I have any significant employable skills or work experience. I had no sense of my career direction. I still lived at home and I was dependent on my parents. My last relationship with a girl was as at age 17, which lasted three months. I had never actually asked someone for a date. In DLM, all of my "friends" were, sort of, prefabricated; but I was out of that now. I still suffered with the headaches, and they were chronic now. That is, I had headache pain every waking minute, and it was frequently very severe. I was only partially deprogrammed and I had no idea what my beliefs and values actually were. This was not a good way to start an adult life. However, there was something far worse. In some mysterious way, the headaches actually did appear to be controlled by a separate intelligence that was tormenting me. Often, I experienced my thoughts as though they were coming from a separate source that was bent on tormenting me. It was nothing about DLM doctrine specifically, just torment for its own sake. This "thing" in my head, whatever it was, could ratchet up the headache intensity on a moment, in response to what I was thinking, whereas I had no control at all. When I posed the question in my thoughts, What will it take you to stop tormenting me, the answer came clearly: Kill yourself. Now began a string of failed therapies. I sought help from one PhD psychologist after another, but none really seemed to know about cults, and none could move the needle on my daily headache pain. On the recommendation of my family doctor, I tried neurologists too, but with the same result. When one failed, I would try another; and so it went, year after year. Over the course of more than 30 years, I tried about everything Western medicine has to offer for treatment of headaches: 1. Several brain scans, using different technology, that revealed nothing organically wrong in my brain 2. Four counseling psychologists 3. One psychologist specializing in progressive muscular relaxation 4. Two psychologists certified in clinical hypnosis 5. Three practitioners of biofeedback 6. One neurologist that specialized in pain management 7. A TENS unit for electronic stimulation of the brain design to relieve pain 8. One massage therapist certified in two modalities used specifically in treating headaches 9. Four other neurologists, including one that devoted their entire practice to headache treatment at a headache clinic. They prescribed anti-anxiety agents, antidepressants, anticonvulsants, anti-inflammatory agents, muscle relaxing drugs, medicines to relieve migraine and tension headaches, all in various combinations and doses and combined with the other treatments I mentioned. I tried my best at the clinic for about seven years. I even tried diabetic pain medication. I tracked my headache pain daily in a log and saw no improvement. Yet, there were some real, positive changes. It took some doing, but I graduated Magna Cum Laude with B.A. degrees in both psychology and in mathematics. For the mathematics degree, I had to go to high school at night. Along with other high school dropouts that were getting their GED, I had to review and master Geometry, Algebra II and Trigonometry, before I was ready for Honors Calculus. I would say that I fell in love with mathematics. Through learning and culture, whole new worlds opened up. I marveled at the certainty of geometry. I was in awe at the theorems of the mathematician Georg Cantor that described a never-ending series of ever-larger infinities. I listened to the Jazz saxophonist John Coltrane play the blues, and heard the plaintive wailing of man's soul, expressed more sadly and beautifully than I could ever imagine. I delighted in the colorful, eccentric characters of John Steinbeck's short novels. My mind was awake! After graduation, I had a successful career as a high school gifted mathematics teacher. I later earned my Masters in mathematics and began a career in business statistics, applying my mathematical training to challenging problems. Also during this period, I found some ex-cult members that gave their time to me. In some cases, we became close friends; in other cases, I cannot even remember their names. However, they listened and understood. I pray to God that they all go to heaven, just for that one good deed rendered to one suffering soul. About 10 years out of the cult, I had a life-changing experience where I did find my beliefs and values. I attended a Catholic young-adult retreat called CHOICE. It was a three-day retreat and they had Mass every day. On the first day, I actually wanted to go to Mass for the first time in decades, but first, I wanted to test them. What if I didn't go to Mass, would anyone pressure me, or make me feel guilty, like the cult did? No one said a word. So, I did go the second time. The priest was young, about my age. In his homily, he told the story of "My most mystical experience." He said that it occurred in seminary when on a wet day he was walking under a footbridge. A frog fell from the bridge and right into his path. However, he noticed the frog, and at the last second stepped aside to avoid it. In doing so, he saved a creature's life. This stuck with him as his most mystical experience. Now I started to see things clearly. Here was a guy, about my age, that never experienced, or even hoped for a direct experience of God in terms of blissful light, sublime Divine music or intoxicating Divine nectar, as DLM had promised. Yet, he was willing to forego wife, family, and success all for his faith in a God he could not see, but just trusted in. This made a deep impression on me. Moreover, during these small-group Masses, I heard laughter that I recognized as coming from genuine, unaffected joy. Shortly after this retreat, came Easter. I was watching the movie King of Kings on television and had "My most mystical experience." Suddenly it was as if I was in the movie and all these events were taking place before me. I came to accept in my heart that Jesus has the authority of God. During the crucifixion scene, I realized that this Messiah knows suffering, thus, he knows me. I was converted on the spot. I wept uncontrollably for at least one hour or more. I was 31, and I had finally found what I was looking for from age 18! I joined the local church and I began to receive the sacraments regularly. I joined a young-adult group where, within a year, I met another young teacher that I later married. She has been my faithful wife of 18 years. We are blessed with three wondrously beautiful, and at times unnerving children, ages 8, 11 and 14. One Journey's End and a New Beginning As an adult, the only unresolved issue stemming from the cult was the chronic headaches. Although the strange thoughts that previously tormented me subsided, the headaches pain persisted every waking minute and was still quite severe. Moreover, now that I was attending Mass, a disturbing a new twist occurred in my headaches that would prove critical in the future. Over time, I had developed several classic headache triggers, such as lack of sleep, missing meals, or stress. I also developed some triggers that appeared to be random associations, such as exposure to direct sunlight, or the onset of flu symptoms. However, when any of these triggered a pain escalation, my pain would escalate for several hours or days, and eventually the pain would gradually subside back to the average daily level. Attending Mass also became a headache trigger. However, it had an oddly different quality than all the others. Without exception, my headaches escalated the very moment I entered the church. This pain escalation continued during Mass, and once I left the church, the headache would subside almost instantly back to its previous level. Only sacraments, prayer and being in the presence of sacred things precipitated a pain escalation that occurred instantaneously and subsided immediately after I left the environment. About November 2006, things were starting to come to a head. My medicines were not working and I was experiencing a general headache escalation. My doctor prescribed IV infusions that were not helping. My doctor also gave me an appointment with a biofeedback therapist with whom I had a trusting relationship. As we talked, I suddenly began to shift my body back and forth, seemingly uncontrollably. I seemed like I was on the verge of exploding, but I had no conscious awareness of what this was about. I did remark that I was sure that it was somehow related to the cult. My biofeedback therapist stopped the session. Instead, she asked me, "Peter, deep down, what do you think is causing your headaches?" I said, It feels like there is a demon inside me that controls the headaches. She looked somewhat shocked, but advised, "Find a intelligent and wise priest." In April of the following year, 2007, this "sacred things" pain trigger exploded. Completely out of the blue, whenever I walked into a church, my headaches escalated in an almost violent way. The pain and contractions were so extreme that my head shook uncontrollably in a back and forth pattern or sometimes in a circular pattern. However, now it wasn't just the Mass. I could not even wait on line for Confession. As I waited on line, the pain escalated to the point that I thought I might faint. It got so bad, that I had to stop going to church entirely. Next, I tried receiving Holy Communion at the Pastor's house with a Eucharistic minister. Unfortunately, it had the same effect. Even though it was just two people and lasted 15 minutes, once we began to pray, the headache escalated instantly to a very severe level. After that, the deacon came to my house to give me Holy Communion. The exact same thing occurred during prayers and Communion. However, this time, when he prayed over me afterwards, I fell into an almost violent head shaking fit that appeared like something out of an Exorcist movie. I am not exaggerating, my wife actually ran out of the room. Finally, I tried just listening to the Mass on the radio. When I turned on the radio and the Mass started, the pain escalated instantly; then after Mass, when I turned the radio off, the pain receded instantly. I had not been attending Mass for several months when I looked up a priest that I knew from high school. He was truly concerned, and told me to wait for a call from a good priest he knew well that would see me. He recommended a holistic approach that combined pastoral counseling with traditional counseling from mental health professionals. My pastoral counselor was a retired Monsignor approaching 50 years of church ministry. We met and I told him my story. Then he began to quote from the Gospels citing accounts of Jesus casting out unclean spirits. Of course, since he was reading from the Bible, my headaches instantly escalated to a 10 level, and my head shook violently. During that meeting, I voluntarily and assertively renewed my Baptismal vows, and renounced all oaths and bonds I had formed with GMJ. I left that session bursting with joy and freedom, a freedom I don't think I had ever experienced before. Did I get better because of this meeting? No way! I got worse, much, much worse. I had been in the habit of recording my pain level each night before bed. A level-7 headache was my average and I would describe that as "severe." For the next few days, I was at 9.5 - 10, which in headache recoding is described as "the worst pain imaginable." I also had nightmares. One night I awoke at about 3:00 AM just by the pain itself. I went to the bathroom to take some medicine. Again, after many years, I heard my thoughts as coming from a separate intelligence. I distinctly heard, This is what happens to people that see priests. I refused to quit and began a regimen of daily reciting a prayer for deliverance and healing composed by my pastoral counselor specifically for my situation. Again and again, I renounced GMJ and any vows or oaths I made to him. Again and again, I forgave those that lead me into sin and darkness and asked God's forgiveness for the rebelliousness that made me susceptible to their lies. I took authority in the name of Jesus Christ, and personally commanded these unclean sprits to leave me. I found quotes in the Bible describing God's mercy and forgiveness and recited them as prayers, for example, Is 43: 18-25. Something wonderful happened. In spite of my long record of failed interventions, my headaches now began to subside. I could see in my headache log that the daily pain level was indeed shifting downward, gradually, but significantly. I also received treatment from an outstanding mental health counselor that used clinical hypnosis to reinforce the messages and learning that was taking place with my pastoral counselor. I saw a psychiatrist that provided medication and added spiritual guidance of her own. By now, it was a team approach. Under hypnosis, I would spontaneously envision scenes with Jesus, the Virgin Mary and some saints ministering to me and applying mysterious substances to my head in order to heal me at the deepest level; and my logs reflected that this did actually decrease my pain further. My parish started a weekly evening of "Soaking prayer." Four holy Christians, including one deacon, prayed over me for my continued deliverance: they strengthened my team. Day after day, week after week, month after month I persisted, with the encouragement of my ministers and mental health professionals. In a few months, I returned to Mass. I began to make it my routine to pray daily for kids lost to cults or the occult. I read books on deliverance that helped me to understand that I am not the only person involved in cults or the occult that has been afflicted in this way. In one book, written by Rome's chief exorcist, Gabriele Amorth, he described how he discerns diabolic influence. Therefore, we begin by studying the symptoms that are presented by the person or his relatives, as well as their possible cause. One begins with the physical symptoms. The two areas most commonly affected by evil influences are the head and the stomach. He goes on to describe the headaches as "severe and unresponsive to prescriptions…" He adds, "…A typical symptom of evil influence is an aversion to the sacred." I should point out a few things of importance. First, no one in the Catholic Church ever told me that I was possessed. No one performed the Rite of Exorcism on me. What I experienced is properly called "Diabolical Oppression. " The Gospels are clear that evil spirits can cause physical symptoms (Lk 13:10, Mt 9:32). Next, no priest ever told me that my healing would be exclusively spiritual, and I was always encouraged to pursue help from mental health professionals as well. Today, I go for hours each day when I have no headache at all, sometimes this lasts for days. During Mass, the escalations are generally much less severe. I believe that God's Holy Spirit produced my healing and liberation, using the talents of dedicated psychological and spiritual healers, along with the prayers of loving family, friends, and ministers. Of course, my own prayers show my sincere turning toward the Lord. The time it will take to complete my healing in in God's hands. I realize that my claim that the turn around in my headaches is the result of deliverance from evil spirits is a question of faith. Readers that do not believe in the existence of angels and demons will have to rationalize the outcome, those that do, can draw their own conclusions. For my part, I believe firmly that the deliverance ministry is the unique feature, the primary driver of my striking improvement. It is based on sound Biblical principles. Sacrifices to false gods are equivalent to sacrifices to demons Dt 32: 15-17 1 Corinthians 10: 18-22 False Christs will come and devour souls Mt 7:15-20, Mt 24, 23-26 Against a litany of failed treatments that ignored the essential spiritual dimension, my deliverance witnesses to the truth that Jesus Christ is at the center of this healing. Every day, I am less bound to evil; every day, I am more bound to the Lord. Blessed be God! Sing a new song to the Lord, who has done marvelous deeds, Whose right hand and holy arm Have won the victory. Ps 98 Suggested Further Reading Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism - A Study of "Brainwashing" In China by Robert Jay Lifton Angels (and Demons) What Do We Really Know About Them? by Peter Kreeft An Exorcist Tells His Story by Gabriele Amorth

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